Injured, Sick, Worn Out, Just Tired, What IS IT?

In all of my vast knowledge of the human body, training and physiology, people have been asking me this question a lot lately - am I injured, am I sick, am I just worn out - what do I do? Do I just push through it? Do I take time off? Knowing that I'm totally lying about knowing jack shit about the human body in technical terms, here it goes...

#1 - Don't be a pussy! Yep, you got it. Here's the deal, tired is one thing and overtrained is another. If you are tired or don't wanna get out of your warm bed at 5:00am because your dog or kid is all snuggled up next to you and it's so sweet, gag me. GET UP and go. YOU KNOW that you'll feel better you did something before the day even got started and chances are, you're going to feel just as tired if you 'sleep in' that extra hour. You will not be or feel more rested.

#2 - Am I being a pussy or am I overtrained? I'm not going to get into that heart rate mumbo jumbo but if you know what your resting heart rate is and it's high, sit down for crying out loud. Are you taking one day off a week (especially when talking about endurance training) and I MEAN one day off from working out? NOT, I did some ab work or I lifted on my day off, I didn't do jack shit other than eat, sleep, and do all the laundry I haven't done. At most, you get to WALK not run the dog.

#3 - But my legs are sore from yesterday's workout and I'm so tired, what should I do? If you are working out twice a day for a damn endurance event, I have some news - IT HURTS SOMETIMES AND you're tired a lot of the time - you will turn into a total 'tard. Sleep, just make sure you get it and I don't give a rats ass if you have to go to bed when you put the kid down at 7:30 (yeah, I can say that because I don't have kids and 18 loads of laundry to get me to the next day). Seriously, though, you gotta get sleep. Working out on a sleep deprived body will get you hurt out of sheer clumsiness. C'mon, I sprained an ankle on a rock in the middle of the day!

#4 - Space out your quality workouts - To some degree, you have to know what it's going to feel like to workout a body that is mentally and physically tired but by all means don't do your damn track workout after you just did your freakin bike time trial. Space the shiz out. Make the bike your recovery or easy ride for the week after you did your track workout. Your legs will still hurt and you'll feel like crap but that's OK - lower your expectations for that ride. OR you can try my method and kill your bike...I was so over my bike that I killed it after a 6 hour ride....we have since made up.

#5 - Mental - Is it mental? That's a tough one. Ladies, are you busting out crying for NO apparent reason out of cycle? Guys, do you want to pull your ladies' head off at any given moment...out of cycle? If the answer is YES, it's a mental block. What to do for inspiration...go to youtube and look up your favorite event type. For me, go to YouTube and check out Team Hoyt or Blazeman (Jon Blais) - besides the fact that you'll turn into a puddle of tears (be forewarned) it just might pull you out of your pussydome. It will make you feel totally inadequate but it might inspire you to just put your shoes on the day you don't want to go out the door. If you're not in the mood to boohoo all over the place, change up your workout into something fun - run with a friend at a slower pace and talk OR go swimming with a friend. They might need it just as much as you do.

The only damn Boxer on the planet that LOVES to swim. She can't wait until we can get back into the lake again!

Enough of the serious shiz but it's all damn true. I'm not experiencing these issues this time around...but please remind me if I start pissing and moaning all over the place. No one likes a whiner - they suck the ever livin life out of you.

Fun runs and the Biggest Liar

Chris and Angie...some of my favorite people and fun running partners....

Woohoo, four mile run in the books and I've always said a run with a friend is better than a PR alone. While we didn't encounter anything great like a wild dingo, albino deer or wolverine on our run tonite, Angie and I did catch up, laugh and love on every dog that passed by. It's a bad habit of ours - who can pass a three month old Great Dane, c'mon! So, we did it, and I totally feel it in my ankle. Apparently, three miles is the marker and four pushes me over the edge. Very frustrating.


No great swim news - it's recovery week so I think I'm just not going to get up at 4am tomorrow to get to the pool. You know, you got to take advantage of recovery weeks and days. I'm going to make the most of it and sleep instead...and get pumped for the kick ass week of 15,000 yards ahead of me. Barf.


Thanks to all my supporters in my love of all bad words. I can't help myself. I learned everything I know from my Mom;) ...only in the south can you tell someone to f off with a smile on your face...the 'ladies' down here do it all the time.


I hear that the Biggest Loser should be renamed the Biggest Damn Liar. Dan and Laura have done some research on the topic and I was just floored by the second athletic debacle on the Biggest Loser. (And here's another article as well.) The first was the Ironman that was quoted at less than 100 miles in total. Yeah, it's 140.6 miles and don't you forget it bitches. Anyway, I blew that off for someone that just didn't know. Now the show said Dane did a marathon in LESS THAN four hours. I sat there with my mouth open wondering if that could be right??? If a guy can lose 100lbs in eight weeks, why the hell not!? I mean 100lbs ... that's losing a small person for crying out loud. What I'm seeing and hearing is that it's all a lie. Yep, he and wifey got picked up by a van and driven to the finish line for their photo op. I don't give a shit if they ran 23 miles. 23 miles is NOT a marathon people and it flies in the face of everyone that has busted their arse to do one. I swear to you there is a guy that lives around here with the MDOT tattoo. Confronted one day, or asked which IM he participated in, he said - I haven't done one yet, I only do sprints. It's my lifestyle reminder. ARE YOU EFFEN KIDDING ME? Yep, believe it! Beautiful tat but really? OK, I'm getting the damn Olympic rings on my shoulder to remind me of what? That I'm not good enough at any sport in the Olympics? Oh, but that's my lifestyle reminder. It's a joke and it's disrespectful to everyone that has done a marathon, ultra, or Ironman...that shiz is harrrrd AND I don't EVEN mean the race. Getting your arse ready for something of that magnitude is hard as hell. Don't negate MY finish by lying about yours, whatever the event. THAT said, I couldn't lose 100lbs in eight weeks - yell that from the mountain tops, you deserve all the accolades you get for that one buddy. Yeah, yeah it's the media machine at work but now I seriously doubt any damn thing on that show. What the hell else are they lying about? The actual losses, the actual workouts. I don't know. I used to LOVE that show, totally addicted. I think it may have just totally jumped the shark...
Bye, bye Biggest Liars and HELLLLLOOO Rock of Love Bus ... they're ALL a bunch of damn liars but at least they admit it AND it's part of the game. C'mon, when I hear - I think I popped an implant - on TV, I'm totally in.

Garmin SAYS...

Warning, warning, this post may contain...ok, will contain adult language. Do not read past the workout report if you are easily offended or don't like the the word f^ck or mofer. Just like the Liger is Napoleon's favorite animal, it is probably my favorite word and it will be used gratuitously at the end. I only put this disclaimer here because I think I offended a 'previous' reader who doesn't come here any longer...I think she was looking for tips or running inspiration or something. Seriously, from ME, not likely. YOU WILL get tons of useless information and lots of stuff you really don't give a crap about like how to deal with horrendous chafing or the fact that my dog farts like a 400lb man or that I'm recovering from an ankle sprain, blah, blah, blah...

I'm still a total Garmintard but I'm getting better. At least I did NOT try to run while it was in cycling mode this time. Yep, had it in cycling mode the whole time, looked drunk running all over the place trying to change it bumping into people and then just gave up. BUT..Garmin says...YOU DON'T TOTALLY SUCK!!! AHHHH, (que the angels), I was so excited. Now, it was only three miles but they went down like this - 8:18, 8:19 (very happy), 8:30 (fine, I'm done). While I couldn't hold it all the way through, I am THRILLED to say it does really come back. Now I just gotta work on my frequency and consistency.

As always, swimming my little heart out. This is recovery week for swim, though, and I am loving it. I am loving sets of 2800-3000 instead of 4000, what a difference. Last nite looked like this...

20 Minute warm up
10 x 50 - Drill
300 - Butterfly Kick on your back with fins, killer ab workout
Next series is repeated 3 times
100 - DPS
75 - Sprint
50 - DPS
25 - Sprint

200 - Easy Swim
4 x 100 - Pull (made 1:20 interval so I was geeked with joy)
500 Pull DPS

This is a lot shorter than what I have been doing but still very hard. That fast work did a number on me BUT I think I'm gonna be ready for this 5K thing.

OK - Stop reading here if you are faint of heart or do not like the F word...This was a Craigs List post out of Chicago. My husband cried when he read this he was laughing so hard. I'm sure there's lots of people out there that are starting to feel this way. Another friend of mine lost their job yesterday...

What the f^ck people! I need a motherf^ckin job, and I have a resume that says I am f^cking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE F^CK?!

Cover Letter? Here's my f^cking cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a d!ck if I have to...that's right! Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that motherf^cker and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! F^CK NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? F^CK IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I needa motherf^ckin job! Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll f^cking show you!

OBJECTIVE
I need a motherf^ckin job.

SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times.http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loansharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing inlakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage,creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet (I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.

REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil
Doingsgorlock@peanutbutternipples.com

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com

So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

Sincerely,

Steve Madonna
stevemadonnayeah@gmail.com
remember.....anything.

(Semi) Wordless Wednesday!

After this blog post and my claim to have video of a firey pee, there was a resounding request to see said video. Here it is. It's a repeat for some of you. This video was taken after the Muncie Half Ironman Triathlon last year. It rained from the moment we got in the water until about mile 9 of the run. I could write a paper about chafing. You'll get the idea. Sorry, I have NO earthly idea how to flip these so you have to crank your neck...

It's windy in this one...I said - "I broke my cooter bone, I think I need some Neosporin to fix it...Ryan may want to go back there some day."

What a weekend!

All around, what a weekend! First things first, Friday AFTER work, Dr. PT (see last post) had angels fly out of his butt. It was a glorious day. THEN, I was headed home. I wasn't exactly sure what awaited me but Ryan indicated that dinner was covered/he was making dinner. OK, I knew I was either getting: a dinner out (very good), a turkey sandwich (not so good) or Wendy's (terrible). See, we had a deal when we got married - anything related to him cooking was out of bounds. He does all the dishes. OK, good deal. (What are the deals YOU made?) I pulled up to the house and it was NOT on fire, good sign. Ran into the kitchen and saw...Ryan....AND our friend, Ben. Ben is a professional chef and my kitchen smelled delicious. Suffice it to say, I DID get homemade dinner just made by someone else. The menu consisted of a delicious little snack of blue cheese, lavash crackers with an onion and garlic jam. I could have just had that and been happy. Ahi tuna that almost lit my kitchen on fire with some spices that were like mace (my eyes were watering) and a sauce that was sweet AND hot. It was perrrrfect. Some little baby zucchini on the side and a rice, mushroom, pistachio, side dish that was to die for. WE were responsible to finish off the creme brulee that was still in the oven. Anything involving fire, danger or a grill, Ryan is in. This is what was on my counter...

Ben gave Ryan specific instructions on how to 'burn the sugar' on top to finish off the creme brulee. The only time I've ever seen creme brulee made it was using a baby sized torch - NOT ONE YOU WORK ON YOUR CAR WITH. Ben had to relate everything to a car so that Ryan could understand the process. "Do you have a zester?" Ryan looked at Ben and said - "you gotta give me more than that?" Ben is such a good guy that he was able to make his way through my kitchen asking for all his kitchen tools in car terms! AND it worked, off without a hitch. See he can and WILL cook, it was great, a great surprise.

In workout news...
Swimming!!!
20 minute warm up
200 swim (on 3:15)
200 swim (on 3:15), 2 x 50 drill (on 1:05)
200 swim, 2 x 50 drill, 300 pull (on 4:45)
200 swim, 2 x 50 drill, 300 pull, 5 x 100 (on 1:45)
200 swim, 2 x 50 drill, 300 pull
200 swim , 2 x 50 drill
200 warm down
+Extra credit - I did some more because I just couldn't get enough (with warm up ended ~4000 yards)...This was not our super speedy set for the week but our endurance set. I really liked it. It gave plenty of rest. I know that's sick and wrong but it was gooood. WHY OH WHY can't I get rid of goggle eyes?!!? Seriously, I wear contacts so I have to have something that is fairly firm and doesn't leak, no Swedish goggles for me and the masks are just too big. This is just NOT a good look when you're going to work or going out afterwards. You look like you've been punched in the face!Ran three baby miles afterwards without incident. I'm on a roll. Except those baby miles are kicking my arse. It's hard once you've been away for a while - every muscle hurts.

For everyone that had a rough week at work...

This excerpt is taken from an actual email I received from a friend. I have saved it because it is so damn funny. I busted out laughing at work. Note, she does NOT work with me and her name is withheld to protect the innocent.

OMG - I work with a bunch of accountant f^cktards. I hope when I was an accountant I wasn't as much of an idiotic mother f^cker as these douches are. I asked for verification of an expense and it has turned into an all day 20 email request. If someone had just looked into the GL in the beginning, they would have been able to answer the question in about 5 minutes..... I really want to scream, punch a few of them and chug some hard liquor. I could probably get away with the screaming and liquor because they would just think that I needed mental therapy... I don't know if they would forgive the violence.

While my week wasn't THAT bad, it was rough with a lot of uncertainty. BUT it's all about choices, I can freeze and do nothing or just move on, be as prepared as possible and keep on doing the best that I can. I choose B.

Workout news - It's all about swimming right now with a little cycling and running peppered in for good measure. I will make another attempt at running this weekend. I just hope I am as successful as Wednesday. Maybe I can finally figure out the Garmin I got for Christmas? Dang that thing has lots of buttons and programs and shiz. I saw another post about the little course/race you can set up with the little man that lives inside the Garmin. I must do this...and give him a name???

Up to ~10,000 yards for the week with one more swim to go. Should get to the ~13-14,000 mark for the week. My arms are sore like my legs used to be when I was running all the time. I need to get rubbed on and soon.

Dr. PT news - We have built a pretty good rapport through all of this. Apparently, poor PT guys are dealing with: some athletes, many fat asses that need new knees, old people learning to walk again and workman's comp claims. When they see one of us coming, it's like a little party. They're excited. Here's our last conversation where I think he laughed so hard he hit the ground...

What are you doing? As I'm stretching my shoulders and upper back - I'm there for an ankle and a knee.

All that swimming has me all tight in my upper back, just trying to work it out.

Lay on your side, cross your arms like this. I do this.

Ready?

Yep, ready. Pop, pop, pop - all the way down my back. I think I saw angels fly out of his butt.

Did that release anything?

Didn't you hear it? I think I'm high right now.

Good. He continues to poke around my back a little.

Ouch, what's that?

That's your something something (Insert Latin word here) muscle.

Oh really, I didn't know there was a Latin word for back fat.

He had to sit down because he was laughing so hard. My work here is done...

Top tips and stuff people don't tell you...

This is for all those people getting ready for their first endurance event ... run, tri, whatever. Feel free to add your own tips in the comments - a place for all the stuff you wish you knew. Seems like everyone is in the thick of things and training their little hearts out so here it goes.

1. Blah, blah, nip guards for guys, body glide, blah. OK, yes, both are excellent products but you need that stuff anywhere there is skin to skin contact. Ladies, don't be shy, you got to get up in there or you will have the most firey pee of your life. (I've got video to prove it.) Guys, put some powder on it, I don't know what you're suppose to do with all that out there. For both sexes, ass crack, thighs and pits too. DO NOT put the body glide with sunscreen on your face because you forgot sunscreen either. That shiz will melt in your sweat and burn the crap out of your eyes.
   


2. Contact wearers - baby sized bottle of eye drops in every pocket, bike bag, feed bag or transition bag. If I couldn't see, I'd be DNF. Nothing like some salt water or sand to really put a damper on things. Yeah and I'm not getting the surgery already.



3. A pre-packaged moist towelette. Carry at least one ALWAYS. Ask anyone who has gotten the raging shats on a long run or race. You can't rely on a leaf and you may not be near a portajon. Even if you don't need it, it's like a little bath in package.



4. TUMS - They make a little travel sized container. No sense in finding out that XXXX Gel gives you horrendous heartburn or gas and you're 80 miles from home or the nearest gas station. They also do wonders if you start to cramp. I leave a bottle at my lane at the pool too.



5. Toenails - Cut them a week before your event. If you wait, could get a weird rub spot. If you don't, you'll rub the skin off your next toe....this is, of course, assuming you have toenails left! Ladies, you CAN paint the nub where your nail fell off. You can't tell from a distance.



6. If you're going to try to run with no socks (for speedy transitions), do it on a short loop from your house. I ran home half way through a five miler with shoes on my hands and bloody feet. Put me out of commission for days afterwards.



7. Check your cycling shorts, bathing suits and running tights regularly for wear - if you don't want to put them on and bend over in the mirror (even better share this exercise with your mate, you might get lucky), stick a fist in the butt of your drawers, if you can see your hand, everyone can see your arse...and don't think they can't or it's not that bad. It IS! Don't make me come over there and tell you...There's another rule, you must tell your training partners if you can see their arse. It's only the nice thing to do, gender does not matter.



8. Water Boogers - If I have one hangin out of my nose at the pool, tell me. If you have one, I'll tell you. I think this just goes with everyday life but water boogers are more common after you've had water rushing in your nose. Bat in the cave, bat in the cave....



9. Snot Rockets - On the bike or the run, make SURE there's clearance and check the wind direction. No one likes to get sprayed.



10. Floss - While you may do the floss move to dry yourself at home - you know, towel between your legs and 'floss' - this is NOT OK for any gym locker room, nor is drying your hair down there with a blow dryer. You can walk around the locker room neck-ED all you want with a towel on your head, you can dry your junk as you should. No one wants to put dry clothes on wet junk BUT seriously, the floss is OUT!



11. Gas - All gas from all ends is perfectly acceptable. Better out than in but if you're totally rank, try to be at the back. No sense in crop dusting anyone unnecessarily. It is also perfectly acceptable to grade any belch or fart - now that's an 8! HOWEVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER trust a fart on a long run. While it is acceptable, you better be certain that is truly is just gas before you start letting them fly. See #3.



12. To date, yelling NO at the top of my lungs like someone who is being robbed, has been the most effective defense against a dog. It scares the hell out of everyone around me, though so be ready. Almost had some people go down because they freaked out.



13. IPods while riding a bike is dangerous. I get bored too but whatever, I need to hear a car. IPods while running in the dark alone, also dangerous. I get bored too but I need to hear Chester the Molester pulling up behind me in his van.



14. Guys, if you are putting some loose or baggy shorts OVER your running tights, that's just queer. Why are you doing that? Is that so we don't see your junk? Seriously, do you think we're looking at your junk? C'mon man, men are made like Jeep's all utilitarian and stuff. We don't care about that...we're looking at your arse. See #7. Ladies if you're doing it to cover UP your arse, stop, you're not fooling anyone. AND if anyone is doing it because your tights are see thru BUY NEW TIGHTS.

Well, I think I've helped all of America and a few in Canada and maybe even one in Scotland...my work here is done. Oh, more swimming, blah, blah, blah. But the best news ever...I ran three miles tonite. No worse for the wear at 8:45 pace. I wasn't setting any land speed records but it was really super great to get running again. Stupid ass ankle...

(Semi) Wordless Wednesday!

I have NO idea who this kid is but you can tell that Mom wasn't home!
Mmmm.....baaaaby, it's what's for dinner!

Tuesday nite - 4100 yards in the pool...my arms better be shredded by the time I get to that 5K swim, I swear.

400 warm up

4x150 (kick/drill/swim on the 50)

4x150 swim (on 2:30)

4x150 pull (on 2:25)

4x150 swim (on 2:20) - I didn't make the 2:20:( Pretty much a straight 600 for me!

2 x 300 pull (negative split descend by 150's)

1x600 swim (open water breathing pattern on 1:40)

Cool down

Arms were feeling a little noodly by the time this was done. Workin' hard and my friend next to me still kicks my ass like I'm sittin still. Even if you get lapped in a pool, you can't get lost...like on a bike or run...

Monday = OFF!

Ever have the day where your heart and mind are in the game but your body tells you differently? Well, I've gotten keen on what my body needs or is asking for and my body was asking for NO workout and gin in the form of a martini...a real gin martini, I might add. None of this appletini or chocolatini crap. I made dinner ... vegetarian based for me, throw some chicken on for the big man and we're golden. The arms and legs are cashed from the weekend so I just thought better of it, rest, fall asleep at 8:30 under the guise of 'reading a book.' I'm so transparent, I say that and he just laughs at me. Riiiight!

I have, however, pulled together a workout for ~4000 yard swim for the p.m. and may work on another killer 2 mile run. Seriously, this is just getting dumb...a sprained ankle on 12/31/08 and it's still sore, swollen. I'm totally over it and am just going to work through the pain. If there's no risk of permanent damage then I'm gonna 'move on' - no matter HOW cute Dr. PT is.

Randomness...

Intervention on A&E - USED TO BE a favorite show of mine. It's a total train wreck and makes me feel superior because I don't have to deal with those issues. I guess I've seen them all, I mean how many abused women that have turned into meth heads can one watch (while their children wallow in their own filth)? I'm kinda done, I feel superior enough at this point.

Rock of Love Bus - A train wreck that I still love because those chicks are total skanks and I can NOT believe that there really are people in the world like that...they are either a) delusional to think that Bret Michaels loves them or b) really are dumb and I mean for REAL dumb, not dumb like a fox dumb. Seriously, you pierced your FACE! That is NOT hot, I don't care who you are...unless you're in some African country and if you are, there's a whole lot of other things to be concerned about than face piercings!

Dogs - I love my dogs and I believe that Magnus is my mom reincarnated (not really but they're really, really close). I just heard a jackass on TV talk about his Barkmitzfa. YES, you heard me. I am here to tell you that there is almost anything I won't do for my dogs. They're the best. HOWEVER, you invite me to a dogs birthday party or Barkmitzfa, I WILL kick your ass. The damn dog had on a yamika and all. Isn't that sacrilegious in some kinda way?

C'mon he's such a lover...that's Magnus (I bet you can guess that with everything hanging out there) on the right and Kasha on the left. He's protecting his old girl!

Funny Mom Stories for Monday

What I miss most about Mom, Mom hugs. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again damn it - Mom hugs are big, mushy and soft and require big boobs (in my book). Sorry all you bony broads out there, not going to cut it! So here's what I got for this Monday...

I ask my mom how she met dad. I'm sure it was for school or something - this was back in the day when it was OK to ask that question because your parents were a) still married and b) one man and one woman. I imagine that question is not so PC any longer. ANYWAY....

Hey ma?

Yeah.

How did you and Dad meet?

We met in college.

Yeah, but how did you meet, where were you?

We met in the library.

Oh, that's sweet, how nerdy of the both of you.

Uh-huh (she's kind of giggling)

What is it, what happened, you can tell me ma?

Well, we were in the library studying at different tables. I dropped a book, leaned over to pick it up and I can feel someone staring at me.

Dad?

Yep, he's zoned in on me and I look down and it's titty city, the twins are making the best cleavage possible.

Oh gross (I'm sure that was my reaction thinking about my parents like that).

Hahaha, yep, we met in the library because your Dad was staring at my boobs.

Aw ma.

Your Dad's a boob man, what can I say, I got em!

Great, I'm just going to tell them you met in the library studying, I can't tell them that you met because he liked your boobs.

And there it was, the moment they met...hey, at least they weren't drunk in a bar somewhere. BUT I've been forever scarred to know that my Dad is a boob man. Thanks mom, you could always make me laugh.

Besides ALL that, I swam and rode Friday, rode Saturday, swam Sunday and I'm totally trashed. I had a hard time washing my hair after practice because my arms were so cashed. I haven't done that much back to back in a while. It's good and I'm sleeping like a king. I love that part.

WE were soooo romantic for Valentine's Day that we went to a Mexican Restaurant nearby (that we go to all the time) but bought drinks this time, woohoo. We came home to see if we could catch a movie on TV (yeah, we're being cheap too) and we found...The Biggest Loser from Tuesday. Elaaaation, saw the whole thing, including the Ironman debacle. I hope he rides his bike more than just to the gym five miles away or he's gonna be hurtin' - whatever distance he ends up doing. I have a NEW person to hate on now that Joelle is gone....the crying former model - not the hardcore one, the bigger one that's a totally pussy (see I didn't even write pu$$y). She's boohooin over everything. Put your big girl panties on and let's go you big ass baby.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I don't know how many times I heard it so far...Happy Valentime's Day? Valentime's, really? Who did this guy pay to shave a heart into this back and did it really get the chicks like his buddy said?
Had my biggest workout day in a looong time yesterday - swam at 5am (barf o rama), got kicked in the boob hardddd because I cut it too close to guy in front of me, 1/2 day vacation to enjoy a 22 mile bike ride in the nice weather, oh and got to see Dr. PT. So, he asks, what are you doing for Valentine's Day tomorrow? I kind of looked at him like it was a joke, do people really still do 'stuff' for Valentine's Day? Apparently, the marketing machine is still in action to make me tell my loved one's that I really do love them...even more on this day...here's a flower...here's a chocolate...see I love you more today! Weird, I don't know, I guess if I were younger or dating but OUR Valentime's Day will be another bike ride and that's just fine with me.

Randomness...Biggest Loser and the Ironman discussion...
Still haven't seen Biggest Loser from last week but have heard about the Ironman statement made on the show. It made me think of all the friends who have no idea that a 5K is NOT a marathon or ask you how long your marathon was last weekend? A marathon is a marathon, Ironman IS an Ironman. The distances are set and there's no discussion. General population really doesn't know that. I don't want credit for something I haven't done and I do want credit for what I have. We tend to get defensive when we know what it takes, how hard it is to get to that destination, whatever it might be and when someone slights that, it pisses you off - even just a little bit. I always try to set people straight when they get 'confused' about a triathlon vs. Ironman or a 5K vs. a marathon but I just don't think that they listen.


All this Ironman talk is making me miss it, in that twisted kind of way - I feel like the only kid in the bunch NOT doing it (which is not true just feeling that way). Everyone chatting about their training plans and upcoming workouts when all I got is that I swam a gazillion yards last week. BUT I do get to 'sleep in' on the weekends and for that, I am thankful. Training for IM is no freakin joke. While 2010 is sometime away, I'm looking at the 24 Hour Triathlon in Colorado. I've been asking friends about training and what they think, how do you train for something like that other than workout all the time, at every opportunity to do something...one answer I received - it would be really helpful to do some night time workouts, swim at the pool just before closing and then set up a home base in someone's garage, have a ride loop and run loop that you you do repeatedly throughout the night with all your lights on etc. For some reason, that is sounding like a blast to me. I like to ride at night and have the most kick ass headlight (Lupine) - I look like a car coming, truly. Side note: I went down on a night ride and was happy to walk with a cracked helmet, bruises and general train wreck feeling. This light is NOT cheap and is used by 24 hour MTB racers to light their way. Ryan took out a second mortgage on the house to pay for it but it's kickass. My other light just didn't have the range this one does. Anyway, if anyone else has any other tips for this 24 Triathlon, I need help. You know, there's NO canned planned out there on how to train for this thing - every jackass in the world has written a plan on how to run a 5K but I can't find a 'plan' for a 5K swim or a 24 Hour Triathlon. WTF?

A Litter of Pups Anyone?

OK, so there's a few instigators out there (Chloe and IronBob) who really want to know my take on a couple of issues... I know they've been waiting for this....

The Biggest Loser

Since I missed my favorite damn show the other nite (because I was at a hockey game, yep, we have hockey in Tennessee), I don't know what happened so don't spoil it for me for crying out loud. I got to find on a rerun or something this weekend. Now that Joelle is gone, I have no one on which to impose my superior views upon, I mean, she was a GD idiot. Maybe the crying former model, oh and BTW, that's a catalog model, she ain't no super model...even the skinny version, but I digress. One of them bursts into tears constantly and the other pukes while on the treadmill and keeps on going (now that's MY kind of girl). Suck it up princess, if it wasn't so hard everyone would do it. But then, there's the poor father on the brown team. As my friend so eloquently put it, "there's a dude on Biggest Loser that looks like he's been nursing puppies." This was a text I received while missing the show at the hockey game. I busted out because you know, she's right, he looks like he's had at least six puppies in the last few months. Poor man, I can't hate on him though, his tit$ are bigger than mine so I am a little jealous but he's just too nice.

Octuplet Mom or a Labrador Retriever?

Let me preface all of it by saying that a) I'm not a mom b) I have LOTS of friends that have gone through IVF c) a license should be required to procreate in any fashion. I think the DG (Damn Genius) said something to the affect of - I'm not on welfare, I'm in school and I plan to get a job. Really, a job and YOU'RE going to pay for daycare for the six you already got? Oh, but I do get food stamps and state benefits for some of my already effed up children but I'm not on WELFARE??? What is that then? I'm not in school, I have a job and I can't imagine ANY JOB that would provide me the pay and benefits to support 14 (some have disabilities) kids and babies. I believe that a woman is meant to have at most TWO children at one time - two hands and two tit$ in which to feed. In very RARE cases, a mom will naturally have 3-4 and may God Bless them. I can't even imagine. Back to the DG - with six effed up kids at home and eight soontobeeffedupkids on the way home, who do you think will pay for them? Yep, taxes hard at work for the irresponsible behavior of a dumba$$ and the MEDICAL COMMUNITY that went forward with the DG's plan. OK, I get it, IVF is big bucks and by God, those embryos are MINE. I also understand some of the intricacies of putting in 'extra' eggs and hoping they will stick...maybe more than you want based on the odds of them surviving. Is it fair to Cletus the Fetus to knowingly put them in harms way? Please tell me that we have evolved enough to KNOW that having six (I believe they implanted six eggs and some split) little Cletus' in there is a bad idea - I'm no Doctor and even I know that. While a women's hips are meant to carry a baby, they're not meant to carry a litter. The kids didn't ask for any of this, not their fault. I still want to know where she got all the money for the drugs, egg harvesting AND PLASTIC SURGERY? Have you had a look at that nose and those lips? C'mon man, you're face is going to melt, just like Wack-o Jack-o's. You know.....look closer...Mmmmm, very curious. Could it be that we have found him?Oh, I'm sure this will be some kind of reality show train wreck. Doing the 'big interview' really didn't help her case...it just exposed her for the kind of nut job she really is. Good luck little babies, I know we can't pick who we're born to....I could go on for days on this one, I swear.

In other news -

~3600 yards at swim, some of the sets were puke worthy... like you ran too hard, doubled over and you can feel the acid coming. We had to swim as hard and as fast as we could for 100 yards, then 300 easy, repeat this five times. You need to maintain your fast hundred time throughout, I kept 1:25 and thought I was going to barf in the drain. Did some other stuff too, oh, pull for 800 yards and could barely lift my arms to wash my hair in the end, niceee. Ran two, yep two whole miles, ankle is still...there but getting better. I'm going to be blasting through three miles any day now....

(Semi) Wordless Wednesday!

If I can just get my hands on it for the next race...will it pass the officials?

Tri vs. Solo - the Bike Breakdown

After this impending swim in April, I will have done each 'event' solo and as part of a triathlon. I was breaking them down today and trying to figure out what I liked best and why. It's all so different. The truth is, I'm not really great at any of the three BUT I can do them all fairly effectively which gets me through. Non-tri people always ask, what's your best event? None of them, really, I mean, I'm no collegiate swimmer type, I have to work really hard on the run part (people always think I'm a runner because of my build), and I love the bike but it doesn't always love me....so I'm sure I just say something dumb like the bike so they'll stop asking me questions I don't know how to answer.

Bike Event Tri vs. Bike Event Road Race

History - Before I went tri, I was a 'runner.' Did all distances up to and including the marathon but my body just did not appreciate it AT ALL. So I turned to cycling and got obsessed about that for a while and rode 4-5 days a week. After riding a while, some genius told me to give road racing a try.

Road Race - maybe I didn't take it seriously enough? These were from our team pictures.

You know, they have categories so you'll be with all beginner women. I'm thinkin, perfect, we're all in the same boat, broken apart from the rest of the crazies out there, going a lesser distance for our race, great, I'm in. We line up as a pack, I head to the back because I really don't know what is going on, no one is really talking to each other either, everyone is just waiting for word 'go' - this is NOT in my nature or women's nature for that matter, at a minimum there's usually some idle or nervous chatter but it was silent, except for my loud ass. We start to roll out, this isn't so bad (we hadn't really started yet but I didn't know it). We stick together for a while and then it happens - you look down for a second and you're dropped like a bad habit...never to be seen or heard from again. So, without a draft and with no one around, you get to do the whole ride alone. OH, you didn't know that you had to support your own feed zone? Hell, I didn't even know how to grab a bottle on the fly back then. Yep, out of water and sunburned too, nice. Everyone else was waiting for their results and had probably showered when I rolled in. There wasn't even a good job, way to go, way to stick it out, in the bunch - they (the CAT 4 beotches, not my team) just looked down their nose at you like, why did you even bother? I didn't know I was riding with men or men disguised as women, go F yourself. That, my friends, was my one and ONLY attempt at road racing.

Triathlon, Leg #2, the bike - yep, I'm eating a sandwich, it was a long day, gimme a break.

Since everyone is spaced out , it's not like a road race where you start (and attempt to stay) with the pack. BUT, as you make your way through transition, people are usually smiling and cheering. This will do anyone's psyche a bit of good AND knowing that you've got one down and two to go. You get changed (maybe), make your way to your bike and you're on the road. As you get passed, inevitable, many people will make a funny comment, a good job, you look strong - something. Others will fly by but there really are lots of encouraging words being thrown about out there. I guess I'm not that competitive or place in my age group or anything, maybe it would be different. I'd like to think not. Hell, even at the swim start everyone is wishing each other luck and be safe out there.

For Cycling...

Triathlon Score 1

Road Racing 0

The run breakdown to come - it's so much more complex, so many distances to choose.

Got in ~4100 yards swimmin last nite, plowed through my workout as fast as possible...if anyone cares:

100EZ - 500 pace - 100EZ - 10x50 fast

100EZ - 400 pace - 100EZ - 8x50 fast

100EZ - 300 pace - 100 EZ - 6x50 fast

100EZ - 200 pace - 100EZ - 4x50 fast

100EZ - 100 pace - 100EZ - 2x50 fast

And this does not include my warm up, woohoo. Oh, got home and pointed at some region below my lats and said to Ryan - I'm sore in an all new place, right here below my lats. His response - we're getting old and our shit is sagging, those are your lats. hahahaha Damn it all to hell!

Funny Mom Stories for Monday

I really need to update this picture but it was one of her favorites....the most movie staresque picture she had. I don't know why but I always feel the need to put the disclaimer here so people don't think I'm being disparaging to my mom. Why do you care, she was MY mom anyway? Disclaimer: I'm not divulging anything here my mom wouldn't tell you if she were alive. She was the funniest, silliest person I know and my very best friend. She's the one at the party that everyone wants to be around - the magnet in the room, why, because she was funnn.


Mom was in the hospital with cancer, round one. She's in her room and I'm coming in for visiting hours (at which point I'd camp out there all day until they kicked me out). I walk in and she has the TV on...

Hi Mom, uh, what are you watching (I need to check to ensure she hasn't lost her mind).


Sesame Street

Why, again?
It's the best thing on TV - you remember Grover, Cookie Monster, Bert and his gay friend Ernie. Daytime TV sucks, did you know? There isn't jack shit on.

You're right ma, I'm sure you're sick of TV and nothing to do.

Hey, please don't tell me I look like this guy? changes the channel


Remember this nut job, Marshall Applewhite and his peeps were going to heaven after cutting their nuts off, killing themselves and hopping on the Hale-Bopp Comet?

No mom, you don't look like that nut job.

Good, I was getting worried. He and his crew of crackpots are ALL that is on TV right now and I was starting to think that I was looking in the mirror.

Minutes later, she has dozed off, I see that her thumb is on the morphine drip button, holding it down.

Mom?

Uh-huh ?

You know that you can't have the whole bag of morphine - they regulate it and you can only hit it once every 12 minutes.

Uh-huh, but it's so damn good, I was just hoping!

That one's not as hilarious as some others but she was a stitch, even through it all.

On the training front - BEAUTIFUL weekend here. Ran a whopping two, yep, two miles today at a killer pace. Oh well, I wasn't walking, anyway. Ankle is feeling good but is now fat and swollen. ~3500 meters in the pool and got a ride in too and almost puked on my shoes. Did team and individual time trials in class, gave it my all, sucked at both and almost puked at the end. A sign that you've worked hard enough for the day... in my book.

OK so I'm a fake vegetarian...

My whole point of these 12 Challenges for 2009 was to identify some cool or intriguing stuff and that maybe some of it would stick. My second challenge was the vegetarian challenge. It went better than I could have hoped and I still don't really miss the 'meat'...but remember I said I would kill for a piece of sushi or a fish taco. Yep, fish tacos today and I felt all weirded out by it. I'm NOT a vegetarian (just a fake wanna be vegetarian) but it was quite the quandry that I find hard to put into words. My gut is flipping as we speak. Hasn't had to process that kind of protein in a while!
I'm currently working on Challenge #4, do a 5K swim and it's looking like it is going to happen. Here's a map of the 5K swim - looks like it'll be a two loop number. This may be my first experience (see I didn't say race) where I'll be last. Never done it, never been to one or even seen one...everytime I do something that's similar, I have to get on a bike and then run. What will it be like to 'just swim?' The problem with the 'just swim' is that you have to use everything in the tank and my huge lats/tris/biceps, well, I just need to keep on working...

I'm having some breakthrough workouts since I've added the fourth swim (per week). I'm getting >12,000 yards/week right now and will probably get >16,000 as week get closer. All I know is that I'm smelling like a permanent bottle of bleach, ech. I scrub, scrub, scrub but that's just funky. Ever swim along and notice something in the pool and it kind of scares you...is it a hairball or is it a dead mouse? Even worse...a band-aid, I shudder. I get the creeps either way.

Friday's 5am swim involved the fist drill*...how to get triathletes to turn into a bunch of 14 year old boys...start talking about fisting, er, the fist drill...

Yes, my friends, at 5am, sleep deprived and coffee deprived, coach tells us to do the fist drill. The best part, I swim with earplugs. Anything you say, I'm gonna repeat just louder like your grannie when she leans to you in a restaurant and says something brilliant like - THAT LADY IS REALLY FAT. LOOK AT WHAT IS ON HER PLATE? That's me, in the pool, with plugs in my ears and I pretend to repeat what you say and say something like - OH YOU AND YOUR WIFE PRACTICED THE FIST DRILL LAST NITE? IS THAT LIKE THE DONKEY PUNCH? - at this point, some man (a.k.a. 14 year old boy) is looking at me, laughing, giggling and I just take off for the next set. You got to make it entertaining I mean, swimming >3000 yards at 5am, you gotta to something to 'lighten the mood.'

Getting some riding in and plan to try the 'run thing' again, maybe even two miles this time, eeek. We are going to give it a whirl. I'm still skeerd but I'm going outside this time. F the dreadmill, even for one mile it was one mile too long. I hated it and that guy next to me tried to pull me into his evil web and I need to stay away from that kind of force (temptation to school his sorry ass).

*I'm not good like Glaven and lost the skill to footnote in college BUT the fist drill is real and involves swimming with your hands in a fist. The pull/catch in the water is with your arms only = power swimming and it hurrrts after a while.

Biggest Loser and My 'First' Run

First things first...The Biggest Loser

What planet is Joelle from??? Can someone please answer that question? It's like nothing registers in her pea brain, she doesn't hear anything and then she gets that real vague, glassy look in her eye. She has lost some weight but holy crap, that's what we kids used to call a true space cadet. I'm actually going to miss her, I think. I will have to find someone new to pick on - man, that's mean. I'm sorry to say that the brown team isn't long for this world (I hope I'm wrong). I'm so sickly fascinated by the dad's body... I can't look away. I don't understand all the crying either - I'm sure that's creative editing but jeeze. Don't get me wrong, I will have to get it out once in a while but man, these people would suck the life out of me.

My 'First' Run...

OK, it's a whopping 15 degrees in TN, I know, I know, whawahwah, cry me a river. HOWEVER, not knowing how this is going to go, it could be a walk home and that, my friends, would be cooold (I like to go with as little as I can get away with in the clothes department). Anyway, I decided that I would get on my most hated piece of equipment...the dreadmill. Total BAAARF. I find nothing more mind numbing than a trainer or dreadmill. So that I'm not 'that guy,' I had to wear an Ironman (or this Ironwoman shirt my friend made) piece of clothing. How lame is that? I feel like I need to have a flashing sign that says -I'M BETTER THAN THIS, THIS IS NOT ME. I'm not a speed demon or anything but I like to be able to run (not walk/run or jog at 4.5mph). Then I think of two bloggerland 'friends' - MJ and Marit. Marit has assured me that I will actually be able to run again. She was involuntarily 'laid off' from anything due to a terrible accident that included ~14 weeks of no running and I'm sure LOADS of rehab. A little break in the back will do that to a girl. Don't feel too bad (wink, wink), she's back at it and blazing fast (in my book). THEN, there's MJ. I have yet to figure out how he lost his leg but let's just say he's down to one. Yep, that's one leg. I read his training details and look at his goals and plans and think - I am a huge pu$$y (kinda like the criers on BL). I think it struck me the most when he posted about prosthetics and had a picture of his leg hanging next to his bike in transition. I'm sure he probably transitions faster than I do too, and HE has to get a leg on, WTF!, but I digress. Again, huge pu$$y but here it goes...

OK, guy on either side of me at the gym - this is never good, ego central, including my own.

Suck it up and you don't get to run more than 15 minutes.

Three minutes walking/warmup.

Ramp it 'up' to 5.0 MPH, hardly moving but just thinking keep your form, keep your form (thanks triswami, that's my coach).

Then I start thinking, it's OK to go slow, just don't breathe hard or crack a sweat. Look good doing it.

Certainly, I can go faster than this. Increase, 5.8, ah, a little better, momentum where I'm not eating the 'dashboard' of the dreadmill.

6.0 MPH is a littler nicer but hows about 6.3, that would be good, done.

Uh oh, 15 minutes gone, yep, no more deals with the devil...shut er down.

Done with no more pain than normal...just all new pains in all new places that I never noticed before. How the hell does that happen?

So there it is, my big 15 minute run in the books. It was everything I had not to school the guy next to me who was looking over my shoulder and just kept increasing his pace trying to suck me in to his evil web. I was able to resist and swam ~3000 instead.

(Semi) Wordless Wednesday!

Finally found...

The Veggie Challenge and 25 Random Things

Well, the official Vegetarian Challenge for a week is over, kinda. As I've said before, I learned a ton and was really happy with everything. During the Superbowl, I ate three pigs in blanket - does that really count as meat? Lil Smokies (unknown meat parts in a casing of some kind) in a crescent roll and I wasn't even interested. I mean, they tasted good but I could take em or leave em and I left em. Since then, I've been sticking to the veg plan. Put some sushi in front of me and it may be a whole different ball game. Two challenges down...ten to go...

Cutie Dr. PT says I get to run this week. Let's hear it, yah baby!!! I'm sure the term run is relative. As he looks and says, slowly and not a lot of turning, go easy, not too fast, if it hurts, stop. I've waited this long - I'm not going to jack this up, that's for sure. Maybe I'll try it in another day or two so my Garmin can say YOU SUCK. Gee thanks, I know. Now that I've been 'released' to run, I'm scared, I'm scared that I won't know what to do. I know that seems dumb but I haven't run in a month and that's the longest without running in 13 years. Not just that, I don't want to be 'that guy' - you know 'that guy' who looks like he may not make it down the street or you're not sure if that's a walk or run he's trying to do. Yeah, ego, I know, I don't want to be that guy.

Swam ~2000 yards tonite because I was short on time. Ever have those workouts where you wonder if you should have even changed your clothes? I mean a two mile run??? I can do that in heels. A 10 mile bike ride, do I even need a helmet for that? (Yes, I know the answer is YES.) That's how I felt tonite about 'getting all wet.' It was a lot of effort to get to the pool change, swim, shower and get out of there for 2000 yards. I know, I know, the answer, again, is YES. It's worth changing your clothes. By all means, don't jump in with your work stuff on for crying out loud. People already think I'm weird enough!

I've been putting this off and you probably don't even care so feel free to skip it...you won't hurt my feelings.

25 Random Things About Me

1. I've never been an athlete, everything I ever tried (group sports) I sucked at.


2. I started running after college because my clothing size went to double digits and that was the deal breaker for me.


3. I still don't think of myself as an athlete and I have NO idea why. People look at you like you're their hero or you must be retarded if you think Ironman was fun.


4. I'm an only child.


5. My mom was an only child.


6. My mom was my very best friend.


7. I've had a dog my entire life - even a house dog in college.


8. I have bonding in my front teeth to cover the huge gap...I look like David Letterman without it.


9. I think you should ask someone a question if you want to know something rather than stare - I asked a girl what happened to her leg at a race once since she was running with a prothstetic, for example. And I still want to know how a person with one leg swims?


10. My birthday is on Veteran's Day which really pissed me off when I turned 16 and the DMV was closed. I've since forgiven them.


11. I really, truly enjoy alone time (part of being an only child).


12. I think that people with multiple children or brothers and sisters are weird...I just can't even imagine it.


13. I went to Catholic School for 12 years...High School was all girls.


14. I really don't give a shit what people think of me. I mean, it's good to be liked but I'm not going to kiss your ass for you to be my friend.


15. I don't understand organized religion (see #13).


16. I showed horses growing up, they're like really big dogs (guess that was my sport).


17. I surround myself with people I can be me 100% uncensored. That's a scary bunch!


18. I'm in the best shape of my life at 36 and my 30's have been more fun than my 20's.


19. My Dad and I still vacation at the same spot in Wyoming that we did as a family when I was growing up....been going to the same place for over 20 years.


20. I live in TN and I've never been to the Smokey Mountains OR Dollywood. I really need to do both.


21. I got married on a beach in an off the rack $150 dollar dress and Birkenstocks (they were my mom's and she always said - you'll wear those damn ugly things at your wedding, won't you? So I did).


22. I hate that Ryan kicks my ass on a bike all the time (here he is getting ready to race cars not bikes, though, still kicks my ass).



23. I get ANGRY sleepy, body clock turns off ~10pm ... or sooner and I don't want to talk, I get mean, and I just want to crawl into bed.


24. I think Magnus is my mom reincarnated (I'm for SURE going to hell for that one).


25. We have game nite at our house and we play, Pass the Pig, Greed, Uno, Yahtzee, Lunch Money, and Rock Band....because we know how to parrrrty.
    

So there it is, everything you never wanted to know and truly don't give a shit!!! Tag YOU'RE it!

Funny Mom Stories for Monday

Conversation with Mom after diagnosis but before treatment plans were discussed...she assumed chemo was imminent (it wasn't). Disclaimer for anyone that doesn't know...my mom was the funniest person I've ever known. She would tell you these things if she were here. I'm not divulging any deep, dark secrets or anything. She was hilarious....

I don't want to lose my hair.
I'll go with you and we'll get you a wig in every color.
Yeah, I've never been a red head, that could be fun.
Yeah and a blond one too.
And I might even get skinny enough to pull off a long blond one (figuring that chemo would tear her down pretty good).
True.
I don't want to feel sick and nasty all the time.
Mom, they've come along way since Gram went through it.
I know but I'm scared - I don't want to be throwing up all the time.
They have drugs to help with that.
I don't want any more drugs to help with that.
Well, maybe we can get you some stuff to help with that, it might not be as bad as what the docs give you.
Yeah, well I can't even smoke a cigarette...I tried once and only once...a cigarette that is.
Really, 60's, 70's, you only ever smoked a cigarette once?
Yeah, well, I was in college and all the girls were hanging out in the dorm room getting ready to go out. We're just running around with curlers in our hair in just our underwear getting ready to go out. The girls started smoking and they looked so cool and sophisticated. They gave me one, lit it, I inhaled, started coughing, I dropped it.
You dropped it?
Yes, dropped it right on my....crotch (she had a way with words, not her hoohoo or anything her crotch).
You what?
Yes, burned the shit out myself and it lit thee hair on fire. (I'm rolling.) The next day, there were 'mug pictures' of me all over the dorm that said Jacques for Fire Marshall (her maiden name). I never smoked again.
(I think I'm crying at this point.) OK, OK, we won't make you smoke anything...wouldn't want you to light your bush on fire again (laughter all around). Well, ma, I'm sure we could come up with another way, we won't make you smoke it.
OK but I'm scared.
Me too mom.

She never had chemo. It wasn't the right protocol for her. They didn't know what their protocol was so we just tried 'stuff.'