Thursday, December 3, 2009

Bikram Yoga Success!

I REALLY thought I was going to a) hate it b) die of heat exhaustion c) implode. I am very proud to say that none of those things happened. I haven't been 'the new guy' in AGES, anywhere, at anything, more like a fixture, at this point. It was with my NEW yoga mat ($12.95, TJ Maxx) and NEW yoga pants (that can suck it, no wonder they were at TJ Maxx for $12) that I showed up to class 30 minutes before the start to fill out the necessary paper work and absolve them of any responsibility. Sandra, the owner, could not have been nicer and nobody actually looked at me to point and laugh. We're starting out right here. She tells us the room is 105 and 40% humidity and that my main goal (as a first timer) is to just stay in the room. This is kinda like Tennessee in the summer time. WHAT the hell kind of torture is this???

Here's how it went down - Strip down to the bare minimum clothing before entering the room. Seriously, these people had on mini black shorts and a bra top. Not me, my friend. I must cover my soft gooey center, I don't care HOW hot it is. Issue #1, my new, fancy brown yoga pants that I bought special for this moment. I now know why everyone was wearing BLACK bottoms in that class. I had a nice ring around my junk - a nice outline of EVERYTHING. Issue #2, the reason these dumb ass pants were at TJ Maxx (by Reebok) was that they give you a RAGING camel toe. Yes, my friends, you could almost see my fallopian tubes, I swear. Issue #3, I will be wearing said pants to every class for the next week because I don't have anything else. Great, joy, it's a good look.

Blah, blah, we went through all the poses. I did yoga a gagillion years ago. I don't know the pose names but I could follow as we went along. I did not wear a watch on purpose but at one point, I just HAD to know what time it was because I wasn't sure I was going to make it without running outside into the cold air for some relief. The instructor totally busted me for grabbing Angie's arm to look at her watch. Crap 20 more minutes. I can do this.

With every lean and every movement, pools of sweat would just run down my face and nose if we were inverted. AND I do mean just pools of it. You could totally ring my clothes out at the end and produce, gross but it really felt like a bike ride in the middle of a hot Tennessee summer...my Gatorade tasted like it too. Mmmm, warm Gatorade in a room full of sweaty, stinky people.

I did not fart, I did not laugh, not even giggle. I did cuss a fair amount, shocker, I know. I was actually surprised by all of this. I was concentrating so daYum hard on NOT falling over and working on my balance that any little giggle would have totally thrown me off. I dropped 3lbs of water weight from that class - I'm sure immediately put back on when I slammed a gallon of water when I got home but I'm going with the 3lbs. I felt really 'clean' and limber afterwards. I am sore, a little, but I kinda can't wait to go back. It's such a departure from anything that I'm used to, maybe that's it, not sure. This just may have to be something that I work on now and then incorporate, to a lesser degree, when it is ON-season.

So, there it is, I know you were hoping for the fact that I farted and ran out of the 105 degree room in embarrassment covering my face in shame or that Angie and I were thrown out for giggling at someone else's farts but it just didn't happen, sorry.

In Christmas News....

When did it become a holiday tree? Do you know another group of people that puts up a tree? No, it's a Christmas Tree, so what?

I don't mind a Menorah too. The more the merrier, I say. I don't care who you pray to or how you pray, just pray for me for crying out loud! God, Jesus, whatever, either way, makes me no never mind.

Is Merry Christmas really that offensive?

I don't think that a Jewish person would really mind (let me know here if it's offensive, I really would like to know). If they wished me a Happy Hanukkah, I wouldn't be mad, I'd just say, Happy Hanukkah back.

I suppose it's usually the atheists are the one's that get bent over the whole holiday season, Christmas or Hanukkah.

34 comments:

Mel-2nd Chances said...

SO glad you enjoyed it! I think you've inspired me to go back to do another class. I don't get the 'holiday' thing either.

Beth said...

Boo jan ghasana. No clue how to spell it but the word cracks me up. Do you do that pose?

BTW, when I did hot yoga I used to freeze 1/2 my water bottle and then fill the other 1/2 with water right before class. Keeps it cool a little longer.

skierz said...

even without a farting story, your post made me smile. A month ago I viewed Yoga as a distratcion to go and chant and stretch a bit! It is awesome, outside of the box that we are used to! Glad you enjoyed the experience! Namaste!

Keith said...

40C!!! I'd be a puddle. Spend the $, get black pants. Don't be afraid of your "soft gooey center", I'm sure there's lots of peeps that would happily trade you, and some of them are probably in your class.

It IS a Christmas tree. And that's from someone that's not religious.

Ryan said...

wear your tri gear. it is tight, wont fall in your face, prob has boob support, is likely black anyway, has a pad to protect from fallopian camel toe, and you are already comfortable/tolerably uncomfortable in it anyway.
are these classes coed? I go to regular YOGA sometimes and end up inadvertently either getting an eyeful of someone's junk or almost slamming my nose into someone's crack like a bike in a bike-rack. I can only imagine if people had on less clothing and were sweating more.

Dave said...

I think there is a backlash on this "Holiday Issue" Starbucks of all people have called there "holiday blend"..Christmas blend this year...and many stores are saying...MERRY CHRISTMAS!....Freedom of Religion...not Freedom from religion....and with that Merry Christmas...Happy Hannukkah...

Velma said...

Maybe you could dye the crappy pants black (and make them cut offs)- now that would be a great look. I have been wanting to try this type of yoga - I may have to do this soon.

Happy Hanukkah - Kwanzaa - Snowman whatever holiday. I am a grinch when it comes to this time of the year.

Carolina John said...

Glad you liked it! I did yoga this morning, but certainly not bikram.

pictures pictures pictures! I think some pics would greatly enhance the visualization of your fallopian tubes.

Molly said...

I'm glad you enjoyed bikram! I love doing it in the winter because I walk out of class and I'm not shivering like crazy (at least not right away) for once!

I will say when I was married to a practicing Jew, it was a little frustrating sometimes that everyone was all Merry Christmas and other holidays/faiths felt ignored (and yes sometimes I did just say Happy Hannukah back). Having been on that side, I can see where our entire culture is kinda biased in the direction of one faith. But that said, I don't really give a shit what people do with themselves - worship whatever the heck you want, don't worship anything (which is where I fall now), just don't go telling everyone they have to fall in line with your thing, ya know? And yeah it's a CHRISTMAS tree, there's no freakin way someone from another faith is gonna identify it as anything but that so there's no reason to call it something else!

RockstarTri said...

I've been wanting to try hot yoga for some time but I figure I would melt like the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz. I'm still building up the courage (but that's a different character).

Just took the fake tree out of storage. Merry Christmas.

Kristi said...

As an atheist, I'm gonna have to say "not it!" Of course, I can't speak for *all* atheists, but I don't care what you want to say "Merry X-mas", "Happy Holidays", whatever. To each their own. And I still put up a tree...a Christmas tree...because I like the smell and the pretty lights. :)

Julie said...

Hahahahahahahaaha!! I have a pair of running tights that do a similar thing to the crothal area as your yoga pants...

I only wear them as an outer layer over another pair now... No amount of standing in front of the mirror at different angles would change it either. LOL!!

Janice {Run Far} said...

I have never tried Bickram Yoga... regualr Yoga is hard enough for me. I can barely touch my toes... the old ladies next to me are way more limber then this 32 yr old mom. It kills me.

I love your blog, you crack me up with your "Say it how it is" writing. I love it, it's very refreshing.

Wes said...

If you had farted, you would have felt cleaner on the inside. really... ROFLMAO...

Big Daddy Diesel said...

Amen to your xmas thought, oops I hope that didnt offend someone.

FLATOUT JIM said...

Can't believe you are said cameltoe and hard on in the same post.

I have to stop reading your blog at work.

Heidi Austin said...

glad u survived! i love hot yoga... although all of those people who are super flexible and look around and compete with everyone PISS ME OFF! it's supposed to be relaxing not a work out :) (At least that is what i tell me competitive self)

joyRuN said...

Uh-oh - CJ wants to see your fallopian tubes!

I'd totally pass out in that heat & humidity. Geez.

San said...

Hi, glad you liked the yoga.

As a atheist I still do christmas in a non christian version. We have a tree, we come together christmas eve my grandpa comes to us, hear holiday songs, eat fondue, play dice and enjoy the evening. I used to go to the mass with a friend of mine (I didn't want to go for the family walk in the afternoon, teenager) but not anymore, it doesn't feel right. I wouldn't be offended if someone wishes me a happy christmas or hanukka. He/she wishes me a happy day! That's what counts. Nothing more.

Enjoy your evening, everyone.

Judi said...

on the 'happy holidays' thing, i almost never say merry xmas. i am jewish and so i just say happy holidays. i figure it applies to everyone. not like i get mad when people tell me merry xmas but xmas has never meant anything to me. neither did hanukah for that matter, after i turned into an adult.

hot yoga is awesome. i try to go at least once a month to stay injury free and keep my flexability. i also wear my techie stuff for class cuz it stays dry for the most part.

Alisa said...

I might get some haters/people that think I'm a hippocrit here but I'm an atheist and I love the holidays! I listen shamelessly to Xmas music and I love every minute of it, I just don't believe in the whole Jesus thing. =) Haters come and get me.

As for the hot yoga, the smell is what always got to me, it was just sooooo terrible. Ultimately, the smell and the new instructors drove me to leave. I should try it again sometime though. Sweating buckets is always fun!

MCM Mama said...

Glad you enjoyed it. I could not do hot yoga. i LOATHE being hot.

LOL at your pants. I wore a pair running today that simultaneously gave me camel toe and showed off my muffin top. Quite the look...

ONEHOURIRONMAN said...

Think I'll give it a try. Probably just go outside here in the summer and strike a few poses while mowing the lawn...

Diana said...

I've heard good thoughts of Bikram. Not something I could do by any means since I have some heart valve issues, I'd be the one on the floor having some stinky person performing CPR on my chest!
I have to admit though, I was kind of sad there was no good fart story! But the camel toe issue covered nicely for the missing farts!
Merry Fucking Christmas to you and your family! Hope that doesn't PISS anyone off, then again, do I really care!

Aka Alice said...

I thought that maybe you would have farted and EVERYONE ELSE would have run out of the room...

Now THAT would be funny.

I was raised Catholic by a Catholic mother and mormon father. I married a Jew. We say Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, whatever... People who are offended because someone is wishing them well really have too much time on their hands, clearly have nothing else to fret about, and I have no time for such nonsense.

In other words, I don't get it either.

Fabulous Christmukwanzakkah...that's what I say.

Jo Lynn said...

It can be quite humbling to be a newbie at ANY thing. Good for you. ;)

Shannon said...

I so wanted to hear a good "fart" story....dayum you!

Sherry said...

Oh fun! I've been wanting to try Bikram yoga for a while now. We endurance athletes are gluttons for being uncomfortable, huh? LOL!

andygoose said...

Once again, a post that is DYING for pictures!

Runner Leana said...

Wowzers, pants to hot yoga?? Yes, black teeny tiny shorts are where it is at!!

I agree, I'm not sure why we have to be so politically correct during the holiday season!

Calyx Meredith said...

Can't imagine wanting to try hot yoga. Room temperature yoga is challenging enough for us non-bendy folks.

Keith said...

No updates for a while. I wonder if Missy went to one too many yoga classes and melted.

Hellllllloooooooooo????

Al's CL Reviews said...

Heck, if you told me to just have a nice day, I would be appreciative.

You can keep the Bikram...I don't like heat.

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