Monday, November 9, 2009

Beach2Battleship Race Report - Long Version

Beach2Battleship Race Report - grab some coffee, it's going to be a while. I already gave you the abbreviated version so here's the LONNNG version. I will not bore you with the long ass drive, getting lost in town and our tour of the USS North Carolina (very cool, by the way) and cut to the racing chase.

I got my bike in order, transition spot set up, took pictures with Carolina John. I get totally zen on race mornings. I find that I'll make conversation with people if they initiate, otherwise, I'm just going through the paces and staying calm. I was so glad to meet John and that he spotted me. He's been such a fun, nice and supportive blogger peep. THEN I meet Caylx Meredith and we get on the bus together to go to the swim start. At some point, she told me that I was nice and calm which is my goal and just reaffirmed what I was trying to do and maintain. It is actually part of my race strategy, the calm. I don't hang in the expo, I didn't go to an athlete meeting, all that junk just gets me anxious. I got my packet and got the hell out of there. Got to see Ryan Ironman Barnett pre-swim, he was ready to rock it, you could see it. ANYWAY...

Swim - 27:35 - No, I'm not a superstar. Everyone had fast swim times. HellO swimming with the tide. It rocked out. There was nothing eventful about the swim other than the markings kind of sucked - needed more definitive buoys or swim lines. There were people everywhere. As I exited the swim I saw a 26 something on my watch and thought - this IS going to be MY day.
T1 - LONG run to the bikes, a quarter of a mile or so. Thankfully, I had on those neoprene swim booties. I left that and my wetsuit on so I wouldn't get chilled running to my bike. It worked like a charm. I tried to make quick business of T1 and get the hell out of there. I went with a skull cap hat, gloves and just my uniTARD.
Bike - 2:54 - not pleased BUT this ride is NOT pancake flat as the race directors like to promote on their website. There were bridge crossings and false flats that took a lot of people by surprise. It was fine but pancake is not what I would use as my descriptor. I knew the winds would hit us at some point so when I saw 22-24mph on my computer, I knew that tailwinds were in my favor and to MILK IT. I did and it was great until, you turn, of course. Riding on the interstate rocked out. It was very cool and I felt like I was flying. I did lots of passing and only got passed by about three or four women so I was still very encouraged about this being MY day. At one point on the bike, I stood up to pedal and stretch out and I got the 'feeling.' YES people, my period had started - SONOFABITCH! I sat back down real fast just wondering how long this little, thin, tri pad on my uniTARD would hold up. There was no alternative, I wasn't going to stop. The only other 'event' on the bike was at an aid station. The poor volunteer that handed me water, bless her heart, she didn't take the cap off the water bottle. Besides the fact that I yelled at her, I bit it off and spit it at someone. My apologies to whoever I hit and for yelling at that girl. My period had just started and my cooter was sore from riding. I was getting my bitch on.

T2 - 2:30 - The volunteer took my bike and racked it. That was so nice. I took off my shoes so I could run around T2 in socks. Think, think, think, what to do about shark week starting. I ask the first female volunteer inside T2 - do you have tampons in the changing tent? She said she didn't know but handed me one out of her pocket. I could have kissed her, seriously, kissed her, elated. Get my running gear on, tampoooon in hand looking for a can. I also have a small tube of aquaphor be cause my 'ginny is getting extra lube for this run. I had a serious case of chafing last year that caused me to walk because of the pain - NOT going to happen again. Apparently, I didn't lock the portocan door, dude flies the door open, I'm half necked (uniTARD) and am wrist deep in lube application. NICE! An image burned into his mind for all of eternity.

Run - 2:02 - OK, not the sub 2 hour I planned but it was truly all I had. As I started the run, I see hubs, I kind of feel like crap and I yell at him, my period just started and forged on. I think that's what I'm saying in this picture.
I trot around and am really feeling the affects of the day. I'm sore already, my gut is not pleased. Chug, chug, chug. The run course was OK but the brick road and cobblestone portions can suck it, along with the grate on the draw bridge. It was an ankle twister for sure. I see Ryan Ironman Barnett as he is finishing the run with his bike escort - 1st male finisher, it says. What a little bitch! He yells at me - something encouraging to get my ass in gear like - don't be a pussy and get to running bitch. Something like that. At about mile 6ish, my gut turns in that - I can't eat anymore - kind of way. From this point on, it's me and water, nothing else. My water baby is growing by the minute and I've stopped processing. Mile 8, OK, getting closer. This is probably the point that I yelled at a girl for having someone pace her on their bike. Yep, I was that bitch. Why did I care, she was part of a relay team? No outside assistance, no pacing, it's just part of the deal. I think I yelled - must be NICE to have a pacer. Hell, she probably didn't even know what I was talking about, just like the dumb bitch with the iPOD on jamming tunes. People, read the daYum rules. ANYWAY, I'm looking at my watch and I realize that my STRETCH goal is out of reach but I can still bust 5:30. My hands are tingling, my feet are cramping and I have to run over the bridge to get the finish line. Shit, I can feel myself dehydrating but I can't take anything in, my gut is huge at this point. Mind over matter and tunnel vision is the ONLY thing that got me through the last mile. Finish line, I can see it. Please let hubs be there because I'm going to need someone to catch me and I'm not kidding. He was there taking pics and I accosted some poor old volunteer. 5:27 my watch said, SWEET...now I need to puke.

I sat on a chair and had other people take care of me for a minute. They handed me water. Look at that water baby I'm carrying, seriously 6 months along... I can't even drink water. I need sugar, stat, Coke, anything. He points me to another tent and I give him a retarded look like - YOU expect ME to walk there? He did, I got up and stumbled over to Ryan. We made our way to a Pepsi (I hate Pepsi but I'm ready for simple sugar). Another sweet little girl volunteer runs up to me - want some pizza? I almost puked right on the top of her head. At least I was nice to her - not right now sweetie but thanks. I laid down, legs up. OMG, I hurt, I hurt. This is what it's supposed to feel like. I'm notorious for 'pacing myself' and keeping something in the tank. I really wanted to hit 5:19 but I knew that was not even possible with how I felt at the end. 5:27 was my number and I was happy. After three, yes, three Pepsi's, I felt human again and started to walk around a bit. Hubs is collecting my gear and I'm just trying to feel like a human so we can get on the water taxi to get back to our condo. He goes to look at the results posting and counts out that he thinks I'm 3rd in my age group. Really? Me, a prize? I don't win prizes, I'm a door prize kind of girl but that's about it. Shit, I'm staying for awards at 3:00 if you think I'm winning a prize.

Ryan B, his lovely wife and daughter find us and we're hanging out for awards. Melissa gets us all beers, she totally rocks, Teegan gives me some of her Halloween candy, also rocks. Ryan looks freshly showered and is ready to collect his award - 3rd overall male in 4:20 (HOLY SHIT). He is very fast but he is also very fun. The three of them are one helluva team, I gotta tell ya. OK, age group awards, they come to female 35-39, first place and I hear my hometown and state announced before my name...what??? Yes, the other women in my age group were so stinking fast that they took two of the overall awards (4:30 and 4:43, respectively) opening up the age group division.
In the end, it was MY day. I may never win another prize again but on this day I did. I worked for it, I gave it all I had on race day and it paid off for me. And here's to the off season...I think I'm going to have a bloody mary with my breakfast just because I can.
There's so much more to tell like, having dinner with the Barnett's. I love to have dinner with people who don't think that talking about fecal matter and periods at the dinner table is weird. What a treat! I have found 'my people.' Story to be continued...

46 comments:

TRI-james said...

Age group winner! Damn fast girl!

Jes said...

AWESOME!!

I was cringing in fear of what you were going to do to that girl who offered you pizza. Can't believe you were so nice to her.

They should have a special awards category for women who complete an event like that while their insides are slowly and painfully leaking out of their twat.

Molly said...

You totally rocked it!!!! I laughed my ass off at your T2 comments. Great job pushing your limits and nailing that PR!

Kim said...

woooohooo winner winner chicken dinner! you are super speedy my dear! stupid periods, arent they the worst? hope the wooha is healing up. congrats again!

Krista said...

Great job! I'm more of a "door prize" gal myself too. I'm inspired after reading your report - maybe I can place someday too!

kristen said...

Sweet race report. I'm so thrilled for you. Total gut check - start to finish!

Of all the days to start your freakin period. are you shitten me?! That woman who gave you a tampon will have some good karma coming her way because you know she was on hers too and she literally took one for the team. Hopefully she doesn't get cramps for the rest of her life!

I love all the pictures. Your such a bad ass bitch!!

p.s pacer on the bike. wtf? bullshit!

Wes said...

Nicely done, Missy! You are sooooo funny :-) No doubt, getting your "bitch on" spurred you onto greater things!!

and I'm not nearly as jealous of you hanging out with my bitch as I am of CJ! ROFL...

Susi said...

oh sister you SO deserve that first place award! WHAT A DAY!!! you are absolutely inspiring!!! xoxox

Maryland Girl aka Michelle said...

AWESOME! You kicked ass out there! Way to go period and all!

Velma said...

Great report!!

joyRuN said...

Good gawd, girl I'm wiping tears from my eyes lauging soooo damn hard at the visual that poor dude must've been graced with when he saw you nekkid in that can!

Too damn funny!

CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!

Tri Mommy said...

That is awesome... and fast!

Mel-2nd Chances said...

i've forgotten to lock the portapotty door too, while wearing a tri suit too... thankfully i was only getting the top undone. Congrats again on your PR and your AG win, especially considering your period and tummy issues! You are bad-ass!!!

Ryan said...

Don't forget we also talked of mooseknuckles and mutual masturbation at dinner...with a 7 year old at the table.


Well I won 3rd place but I guess I'll never get parent of the year :-)

MCM Mama said...

OK, first you tell me to get my coffee, then I nearly spit my coffee out when you mentioned the period timing. I thought I was the only one that had that kind of shit happen.

WTG on totally giving your all and placing 1st in your age group!! You are amazing!

Dave said...

great job...great report....oh what an experience.

d

ONEHOURIRONMAN said...

I just hate it when I get my period on the bike... but maybe that's what I needed leading into the run at IMFL.

Nice job, speedie!!

Lot's of pizza at IMFL finish. I don't quite get it.. people in much better shape than me, I guess. If I ate it, they'd be wearing it.

Jason Andrew Mellet said...

wow, thats awesome. and in those conditions. i can only imagine. it gives me hope that i can win my age group as well.

Marcy said...

YOU ARE MY HERO!!! Dayum girl!! Where else can I get trashy period talking sheet like this? No where else I tell ya! CONGRATS chica! You totally freakin earned that biznitch!

PS I love you. Seriously this was one of the best race reports evah! LOL

untpawgal02 said...

Damn girl... you are once speedy chic! Congrats!

SWTrigal said...

Hey there! I did B2B and think that pancake flat shit talk is purely that! You may be interested in my report. I got an award in the old lady AG! You did great!! Especially with your "challenges" There are some advantages to menopause I suppose..
:)

Runner Leana said...

Missy, awesome job! I'm so proud of you!!!! Loved the race report. I could totally sense the PMS...bad timing during a race. Ugh! Poor dude who opened the porta potty door on you...

You deserved that first AG award. Nicely done!

Julie said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! :) :) :) :)

Tyger Lily said...

Girl, you are the shit!

That's all.

Carly said...

That was the best race report!!! You kicked ass! Congrats on the win.

I spit water all over my computer at the portapotty story.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

People, read the daYum rules.

Are there any rules regarding berating the other contestants?

Hahahahaha! Joke, sister!

Congrats again!

Shannon said...

See I told you bitch.....YOU ARE MY HERO! Puking, Periods, & Placing you rocked it out of the park.

Wowzie that was an awesome race report.

Beth said...

Awesome race and equally entertaining race report :)

You worked your ass off and you earned it!!!!!!! Congrats!

Bill said...

Great race and great report. Loved the Port-O-Potty bit. Who hasn't that happened to at some point? The PR and award were a great way to end the season.

Amanda said...

Congrats! Awesome RR. Can't wait to hear the rest!

Al's CL Reviews said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big Daddy Diesel said...

your a rockstar!!! congrats

JP said...

Missy, you rocked it. WOW !!! You worked so hard, and it paid. When and where is happy hour? I'm buying.

Heidi Austin said...

hellz ya! i'm so proud of you: ) sounds like a fun race!!!

Marit Chrislock-Lauterbach said...

Woo hoo!!! Congratulations on a GREAT race Missy!!! YEA!!! I am so proud of you - way to keep pushing, water baby and all ! NICE!

Yup, gotta love the Barnetts. VERY fun - glad you got to hang out - you lucky duck! Enjoy the off season and those bloody mary's in the morning... mmmmm. :)

NICE pr! YEA!

Diana said...

"getting my bitch on"....fucking LOVE that!
what an awesome day for you, how exciting to read. Love the reflections of just how great it is to be a woman! My arm full of lube...priceless!
BIG CONGRATS!

Vickie said...

Great job Missy. Sorry we didn't meet, but as you know, we are all a little busy that day. Enjoy your award!

HEATHER @ runfastermommy! said...

CONGRATS on the 3rd place !!! I didn't realize you were doing the half! Did you see me at the start? I was the girl with the neon orange "eyeglasses" sign. It was good in theory, but no one knew what I was there for, hahaha. Congrats again!

Alisa said...

3rd place! That's so awesome.

Way to make all that hard work pay off. I personally think we (as women) should get extra points (or minutes shaved off our time) if we're on the rag. All three marathons I've run while on my period...no male will ever understand how much racing sucks when your stomach feels like it's exploding!

I can't believe the volunteer made you walk to the pepsi---pshhhhh!

Judi said...

YEA! PODIUM!!! You rocked it girl! CONGRATS!

Carolina John said...

I know, i know, i'm late to the party here. but i read this at work the other day and couldn't comment there so i had to come back and grovel, pledge my undying love and support, etc.

the whole thing was awesome. the coolest part for me was getting to hang with you and ryan and calyx/donna so much. you can easily talk me into doing any race with you, anytime anywhere. and maybe next time i'll actually be faster than you.

i wanted to break 3 hours on the bike, but you really got me on the run. 2:02? geez girl. well done. well done indeed. I turned in a 2:40 run. next time.

ShirleyPerly said...

AEROBIC PEAK!!!

Seriously, I read about it once and I think it is true that women race their best on their periods. It's happened to me a couple times.

CONGRATS on a TERRIFIC race. The only bad thing about you and Ryan both being so freaking fast is that I never saw you guys out on the course. Enjoy the teak!

aron said...

you are AMAZING!!!! congrats! i love all the pics too :)

healthy ashley said...

I just found you through Carolina John's blog and wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!

Sherry said...

Amazing, amazing, amazing!!! I'm finally coming off of my way-too-long blogger hiatus and I was SUPER excited to read your race report! Freakin' awesome stuff! CONGRATULATIONS!!!! The B2B Half is on my agenda for next year... I may be hitting you up for some pointers. :o)

Pocket Bikes said...

I just found your blog in through Google. and wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS..
Pocket Bikes

IronMissy - it's official!

IronMissy - it's official!
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