Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Power of Poop

Yes, runners and triathletes like nothing more than to talk about their poop habits - during training, racing, anytime, really. You guessed it, I'm NO exception. However, I actually have stats to prove the power of poop. I pride myself in starting 99% of my workouts empty. I usually wait-out my colon before I leave on a long ride, run, or brick. I prefer not to poop in the neighbors yard, if I can help it. Anyway, Monday, I decided to do my long run. It's all about dodging storms around here. I have my coffee and a little food, nothing, nothing big and important, not my normal morning constitution that I'm used to but I figure it was good enough to get moving.

Commence running...and here's how the splits and conversation in my head goes (I don't listen to music so it's just the voices in my head)...I don't usually post my splits because I don't really think people care but these are important for the purpose of the Power of Poop.

Mile 1 - 9:29 - this is OK, just getting warmed up after a recovery week. BUT it feels really hard.
Mile 2 - 9:49 - crap, OK, legs, please turn over, please, I was so nice to you last week, why won't you help me today?
Mile 3 - 9:46 - daYum it, legs and brain are disconnected. I want to go faster but just CAN'T. Should I just go home and try again another day?
Mile 4 - 9:31 - stoooopid pace alarms on my watch keep going off, speed up, speed up, it's yelling at me. Shut the hell up, garmin. I turn off my pace alarms and relegate myself to this pace.
Mile 5 - 10:26 - it's OK, I did walk for a little bit, ate a gel, tried to pull my head back together and just run a comfortable, not strained pace.
Mile 6 - 9:33 - I can live with this.
Mile 6.5 - commence guts rolling. Mmmm, toilet, where is there a toilet? I actually find an honest to goodness working toilet with toilet paper and a sink that works. Niceeee. I'll spare the gory details but this is what I was looking for BEFORE I started this run. OMG, I ran out of that bathroom like a dog that peels out after taking a dump in the yard? That was ME. Do all dogs do that, crap and then start running? Weird. Anyway, I ran out of that bathroom like, like, like I just lost two pounds and am feeling like a champ.
Mile 7 - 9:07 - Yep, poop was holding me down.
Mile 8 - 8:53 - This was not a fluke.
Mile 9 - 9:13 - This included a pause to eat something, YES!
Mile 10 - 8:46 - Only two more, stay strong, poopmeister.
Mile 11 - 8:27 - No dumb poop is going to keep me down.
Mile 12 - 8:59 - Lots of turning and pausing, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

In the end, a fine run but it just goes to prove what we already know, you gotta poop before you head out or your performance will suffer. Too bad my colon isn't like my dog's - eat and then at the door to 'empty.' It would just be so convenient if you could poop on command?

38 comments:

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

O, POP YES!11!

I'm number ONE on this post about Number TWO!1!

Deb said...

Hahaha, man that sounds like me during my runs...most often though I can't find a bathroom when I'm in desperate need!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Uh, I meant O POOP Yes.

I got a little excited there. Think I may've actually pooped myself a bit, sitting here at the Reference Desk. If I get asked, "What's that smell?" I will surely have the answer for the patron.

Nice job pooping, IO Missy!

And, O yeah ... nice job running, too.

My word verification? "explogi".

Was it THAT kinda poop, IO Missy?

kristen said...

You took the words right out of my mouth! I am all about pooping before heading out. Usually twice, but ALWAYS once!! It must be done!

Keith said...

If people could poop on command, they could order half the number of porta potties for tri's. Maybe a third. We all know the people in there desperately want to go, but don't at the moment need to go, if you get my drift. And the people in there know there is a huge line up to get where they are now. Which doesn't help the performance anxiety they are already feeling about the race.

Those split times are amazing by my standards, even before you dumped the extra weight mid-run. You go Missy! Wait, that didn't come out quite like I had intended. Gotta go....

Julie said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! I have a friend who always frets about getting a visit by the "Poop fairy" right before a race. :) :)

Hilarious description of you charging out of the bathroom!! My cat is good at the *poop and bolt* maneuver: She looks like a cartoon character - you know when the Roadrunner spins its legs for a few seconds before it takes off?

I hear this godawful scratching of claws on floor before Peanut's paws gain purchase and she comes rip-roaring up the basement stairs. This is a good indication to NOT GO in the basement for a couple hours. LOL!!!

Long live the poop fairy!!! Hahaha!

Beth said...

LOL ... girl, you ain't right. Congrats on your POOP(s) and thanks for the laughs!!!

The only thing that makes me laugh more is when you talk about cooter bones. Oh man, you are one funny girl.

Diana said...

LMFAO.......Geez Missy, I am just crying here. Right from the opening line I knew this post was going to just totally make my frickin' day! OMG, the deal with the dog-totally true for cats too. Every time my cats come out of their boxes after digging a frickin' hole to China, they just tear around the house like their on crack or something. I love it. Just goes to prove, whether it be human or animal, there just isn't anything BETTER THAN A GOOD POOP!!!

Wes said...

I lurve posts about poop!! :-)

Diana said...

Had to give you a shout out on my blog today! Who would think that POOP talk would get so much respect!!!

Kim said...

oh i am SOOOOOOO with you. i cant go for a run unless i take a nice big poop beforehand. if i dont, i wind up walking and prairie doggin until i find a bathroom. funny how shit happens.

Carlee said...

Love this; I absolutely am the same way. I think before my 22 miler this weekend I went like 5 times. I set my alarm early just to make sure I have time to get things moving and then empty

ONEHOURIRONMAN said...

Wasn't there a Little Feat song called "Poop dont fail me now". (or was that feet?)

Check out the fine Gator wear on Arnie this week. He was at the Gator/Vol game Saturday so he had to sport his Gator riding gear on Sunday.

Molly said...

LOL! My intestines function on a schedule like a train timetable. If I don't go within 5 minutes of waking up, then I am rushing the dogs back to the house from their walk doing that special run/walk thing trying to make it in time. I totally feel you though - if for some reason it doesn't happen the run does NOT go well!

ShirleyPerly said...

I am a slave to my colon! I get up a ridiculous 2 hours before doing long runs, bikes, swims to make sure I am Free & Clear before working out.

Nice negative split run!

MoonMommy said...

Yeah, we would be on time to more places if we didn't have to wait on PJ's colon.

aron said...

seriously i wish we didnt have to deal with it... its SO annoying! but like shirley said i am a slave to mine too :)

Melissa said...

OMG I hate poop and this was a really funny post! Wow, that actually is a difference in the pace. Crazy.

My husband is wowed at my ability to list all the port-a-potty locations in the grater-Boulder area.

theloosemoose said...

Poop is my nemesis!!! I always take Immodium before a race, lest I grow a big brown crayon that draws right on my underwear. i HATE when that happens!!

Runner Leana said...

Yup, whether we talk about it or not, poop is always on our minds. LOL at the poop fairy! Apparently your poop fairy granted your wishes to be speedier, haha!

Susi said...

so funny and yet so dang true!! i love running around here in the summer, they actually have porta potties on some of the paths, but in the winter? no dice. it's clench and go home! haha

joyRuN said...

I need a good dump before a decent run. It's hard to open up my hips when I'm clenching my asscheeks together.

Ron said...

Mid run poop is not a good thing....you ever done the pee and not get off the bike thing? I dont think I want a good time bad enough to pee on myself while i ride....

Judi said...

damn, way to pick it up at the end!

Kevin said...

Lately I have been doing my run on a paved path that has a bathroom in the middle and goes out at least three miles in each direction just for that reason.

MCM Mama said...

this is SO my life.

I had three really good miles today and then I really needed to poop and man, those last two miles were slow and painful. Ugh.

Glad you at least found a bathroom!

Jody said...

if i had only known that talking about poop was a good thing, i would have started triathlons LONG ago

Jo Lynn said...

You called yourself a "poopmeister". Did you know that? LOLOLOLOL

So true, however. ;)

Aka Alice said...

LMAO, both at your posts...and since I'm here so friggen late, at all the comments. Nothing else gets a whole lotta comments than a post about poop or pee (hence the "go girl" post I did last week)

Absolutely gotta go #2 before a long run. There's nothin' worse than waiting it out because it does, for sure, slow ya down. I'm glad you have the stats to prove it!

Shannon said...

Just wanted to post DANGER BOB somewhere on the web today.....thanks for letting me do that!

BTW, awesome poop! ;)

Sherry said...

LOL! That's hilarious... and quite interesting! *scratches head and considers using Missy's poop data for master's thesis*

I'm a pre-workout pooper too. Shirley said, "slave to the colon." I think the majority of us probably are.

Tres funny post!

FLATOUT JIM said...

This has to be the crapiest post you have ever made!

Mel-2nd Chances said...

LMAO, i've learned not to eat spicy chicken pad thai the night before any significant run... otherwise the waiting game is long. great run otherwise though!

Molly said...

haha, i wrote the article about poop for triathlete (september issue)- if there's one thing i understand, it's nature's call during a run- and writing about it to share with the world. but it is awesome losing that 2 or so pounds and running like you're on air afterwards!

Jill said...

You are a riot!! yes, note to self...wait out the poop. It hits you like a ton of bricks if you don't...and it will totally piss off your speed workout. See...you have now scientific proof in the poop!! he he.

Carolina John said...

haha, glaven misspelled something.

i love a good poop anytime i can get one. bring it. but many a good run has been ruined by poo.

Alisa said...

So true! My hubs HATES that I talk about it and that I worry about it. Prob b/c he gets up every morning and goes first thing. I WISH my bod worked that way!

Heidi Austin said...

I love poop stories.. It definitely happens to the best of us! As much as some will never admit!!

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IronMissy - it's official!
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