Thursday, February 19, 2009

Top tips and stuff people don't tell you...

This is for all those people getting ready for their first endurance event ... run, tri, whatever. Feel free to add your own tips in the comments - a place for all the stuff you wish you knew. Seems like everyone is in the thick of things and training their little hearts out so here it goes.




  1. Blah, blah, nip guards for guys, body glide, blah. OK, yes, both are excellent products but you need that stuff anywhere there is skin to skin contact. Ladies, don't be shy, you got to get up in there or you will have the most firey pee of your life. (I've got video to prove it.) Guys, put some powder on it, I don't know what you're suppose to do with all that out there. For both sexes, ass crack, thighs and pits too. DO NOT put the body glide with sunscreen on your face because you forgot sunscreen either. That shiz will melt in your sweat and burn the crap out of your eyes.

  2. Contact wearers - baby sized bottle of eye drops in every pocket, bike bag, feed bag or transition bag. If I couldn't see, I'd be DNF. Nothing like some salt water or sand to really put a damper on things. Yeah and I'm not getting the surgery already.


  3. A pre-packaged moist towelette. Carry at least one ALWAYS. Ask anyone who has gotten the raging shats on a long run or race. You can't rely on a leaf and you may not be near a portajon. Even if you don't need it, it's like a little bath in package.


  4. TUMS - They make a little travel sized container. No sense in finding out that XXXX Gel gives you horrendous heartburn or gas and you're 80 miles from home or the nearest gas station. They also do wonders if you start to cramp. I leave a bottle at my lane at the pool too.


  5. Toenails - Cut them a week before your event. If you wait, could get a weird rub spot. If you don't, you'll rub the skin off your next toe....this is, of course, assuming you have toenails left! Ladies, you CAN paint the nub where your nail fell off. You can't tell from a distance.


  6. If you're going to try to run with no socks (for speedy transitions), do it on a short loop from your house. I ran home half way through a five miler with shoes on my hands and bloody feet. Put me out of commission for days afterwards.


  7. Check your cycling shorts, bathing suits and running tights regularly for wear - if you don't want to put them on and bend over in the mirror (even better share this exercise with your mate, you might get lucky), stick a fist in the butt of your drawers, if you can see your hand, everyone can see your arse...and don't think they can't or it's not that bad. It IS! Don't make me come over there and tell you...There's another rule, you must tell your training partners if you can see their arse. It's only the nice thing to do, gender does not matter.


  8. Water Boogers - If I have one hangin out of my nose at the pool, tell me. If you have one, I'll tell you. I think this just goes with everyday life but water boogers are more common after you've had water rushing in your nose. Bat in the cave, bat in the cave....


  9. Snot Rockets - On the bike or the run, make SURE there's clearance and check the wind direction. No one likes to get sprayed.


  10. Floss - While you may do the floss move to dry yourself at home - you know, towel between your legs and 'floss' - this is NOT OK for any gym locker room, nor is drying your hair down there with a blow dryer. You can walk around the locker room neck-ED all you want with a towel on your head, you can dry your junk as you should. No one wants to put dry clothes on wet junk BUT seriously, the floss is OUT!


  11. Gas - All gas from all ends is perfectly acceptable. Better out than in but if you're totally rank, try to be at the back. No sense in crop dusting anyone unnecessarily. It is also perfectly acceptable to grade any belch or fart - now that's an 8! HOWEVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER trust a fart on a long run. While it is acceptable, you better be certain that is truly is just gas before you start letting them fly. See #3.


  12. To date, yelling NO at the top of my lungs like someone who is being robbed, has been the most effective defense against a dog. It scares the hell out of everyone around me, though so be ready. Almost had some people go down because they freaked out.


  13. IPods while riding a bike is dangerous. I get bored too but whatever, I need to hear a car. IPods while running in the dark alone, also dangerous. I get bored too but I need to hear Chester the Molester pulling up behind me in his van.


  14. Guys, if you are putting some loose or baggy shorts OVER your running tights, that's just queer. Why are you doing that? Is that so we don't see your junk? Seriously, do you think we're looking at your junk? C'mon man, men are made like Jeep's all utilitarian and stuff. We don't care about that...we're looking at your arse. See #7. Ladies if you're doing it to cover UP your arse, stop, you're not fooling anyone. AND if anyone is doing it because your tights are see thru BUY NEW TIGHTS.

Well, I think I've helped all of America and a few in Canada and maybe even one in Scotland...my work here is done. Oh, more swimming, blah, blah, blah. But the best news ever...I ran three miles tonite. No worse for the wear at 8:45 pace. I wasn't setting any land speed records but it was really super great to get running again. Stupid ass ankle...

24 comments:

Marcy said...

Ok wha?! Firey piss?! Note to self: NEVER doing an IM LMAO! I'm with you on the ass crack thing. I've been chaffed in there before. But I'd also like to add. Get 2 sticks of BodyGlide. One for the special areas and one for everywhere else. Who wants cooter splash all up on them? Not me!

And THANK YOU for the moist wipe tip! I always carried around a small roll of TP in my belt pocket and was always worried about it getting nasty. I'm totally going the wipes route! Sweetness!

Diana said...

OMG, I may never run again!!!
Great tips!

Melanie said...

amazing post... love those tips, didn't really think too much about the contacts! and i will now be more liberal with the Body Glide :)

Big Daddy Diesel said...

Love the tips. My wife taught me the powder tip awhile ago, now she totally regrets it since our bathroom floor looks like a sandy beach.

Wes said...

ROFL... Straight up :-)

Deb said...

OMG...those were hilarious...but all very true! As for #14 it's funny you bring that up...yesterday I must have seen at least 5 guys running with shorts over their tights...WTF? You're right...TOTALLY queer! Thanks for making me laugh so early this morning with your post..I needed that! :)

tokelle said...

That was the best laugh I've had all day - had to pass it along to a few others who ALSO need a laugh. And the tips were great - I'll remember them this season!

Runner Leana said...

You have video of firey pee? Seriously? All such great advice, and thanks for the laughs while I chowed down on my breakfast this morning!

Molly said...

OMG, such a good list. Firey pee is right.

MJ said...

Ha ha ha... awesome list! I like that you don't bother with the usual nutrition etc. tips - there's lots of books/websites for that....

Great job!

Steve Stenzel said...

GREAT advice!!!

When I hit the bit about "raging shats" I nearly exploded with laughter. Which is great because I have students all around me. So thanks for that. Thanks a lot... ;)

And I'm with you on the iPod stuff!!

Michele said...

Great list.

I use the yell No at dogs too. Ususally works but I have scared training partners too.

JP said...

Missy, thanks for # 7. I'm pretty sure "Bets" put you up to telling me "dude you need a new swimsuit"
And... sure could have used more of #1 @ Muncie '08. Wet for 5.5 hours, and ended up with 2 smiley faces where the seams in my tri shorts left a mark. FTS!!

Great post you keep me laughing.

Marcy... you said Cooter Splash, now that is funny and better than a rusty hook for sure.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Sister, I hope and pray you were kidding in #14, because I, like all good Irish men, was off at the pub having another Guinness when the Good Lord handed out the trunk-junk, which is just my clever way of saying that I, like all Irish males, have no arse.

But what I lack in arse I more than make up for in trouser snake-age, but then you go on to say that doesn't matter to you chicks?

So here I am carrying around all this back-breakingly heavy excess snake-age ... for nothing?

Man, sister, if only there were soothing body glide or Gas-X for my broken heart! It feels as though someone with the raging shats just targeted it ...

Plus ... post that firey piss video!

Nikemom said...

You topped the tips! :D I'm definitely all over the moist wipe thingie in case...and then body glide (2 according to Marcy) to have some fun with...LOL

FLATOUT JIM said...

Just foud you. Excellent post. Elegantly put. Funniest read I have had since I checked out Diesels Cliff Bar ad.

BTW, I understand fiery piss. for me its got to do with a wet chamois in my tri shorts.

I'll be back. Fur Shure.

Chloe said...

Sweet post Missy. I'm totally with you on the eye drops - it looks like I've smoked a pound of pot after I get off the bike. Darn contacts.

What about taking a moment to admire the eye candy around you? Hot guys in next to nothing is always a great site :)

Rock of love on sunday. Get excited!!!

IronBob (spawning?? at IMAZ 08) said...

WOW, you out did yourself !!! You should be a writer. Want to piss some people off... snot rocket to the left while in a race !!

Southbay Girl said...

Missy I about lost my cookies reading this post!!! CLASSIC!! You should publish!!

Now I need tri help!! I need detailed instructions about what the hell I'll be doing tomorrow!! It's a reverse tri. I'll be there at 730 to register and then the race starts at 10am. Run 3 bike 12 swim 200 yards but I've never done a tri-what do I do? How do I set up? What do I do in the transistion areas etc.... HELP!!! And I'm working super late tonight so I'll be flinging all my shit into the car half asleep tomorrow morning!!! Please help!! I need adult supervision!!!

Penny

Dave said...

Missy...you covered it kinda...but do not be embarrassed about peeing in public,..guys or girls...especially on Trail Ultras...seriously...we don't care...chances are we won't even notice because we are all suffering.....just do it.;-)

Jo Lynn said...

Waaaaaaaaaah! I wear a skort over my running tights. I have my reasons, ok?! I don't want to stop doing it. It takes me back to second grade. :)

Ryan said...

2 things: There is hair down there? My name is Ryan not Chester!

untpawgal02 said...

Will definitely have carry my little bottle of contact solution with me... if I couldn't see i'd DNF too!

Marit Chrislock-Lauterbach said...

I laughed so hard I nearly peed. :) HILARIOUS!

IronMissy - it's official!

IronMissy - it's official!
A vision in green!