Thursday, February 26, 2009

Garmin SAYS...

Warning, warning, this post may contain...ok, will contain adult language. Do not read past the workout report if you are easily offended or don't like the the word f^ck or mofer. Just like the Liger is Napoleon's favorite animal, it is probably my favorite word and it will be used gratuitously at the end. I only put this disclaimer here because I think I offended a 'previous' reader who doesn't come here any longer...I think she was looking for tips or running inspiration or something. Seriously, from ME, not likely. YOU WILL get tons of useless information and lots of stuff you really don't give a crap about like how to deal with horrendous chafing or the fact that my dog farts like a 400lb man or that I'm recovering from an ankle sprain, blah, blah, blah...

I'm still a total Garmintard but I'm getting better. At least I did NOT try to run while it was in cycling mode this time. Yep, had it in cycling mode the whole time, looked drunk running all over the place trying to change it bumping into people and then just gave up. BUT..Garmin says...YOU DON'T TOTALLY SUCK!!! AHHHH, (que the angels), I was so excited. Now, it was only three miles but they went down like this - 8:18, 8:19 (very happy), 8:30 (fine, I'm done). While I couldn't hold it all the way through, I am THRILLED to say it does really come back. Now I just gotta work on my frequency and consistency.

As always, swimming my little heart out. This is recovery week for swim, though, and I am loving it. I am loving sets of 2800-3000 instead of 4000, what a difference. Last nite looked like this...

20 Minute warm up
10 x 50 - Drill
300 - Butterfly Kick on your back with fins, killer ab workout
Next series is repeated 3 times
100 - DPS
75 - Sprint
50 - DPS
25 - Sprint

200 - Easy Swim
4 x 100 - Pull (made 1:20 interval so I was geeked with joy)
500 Pull DPS

This is a lot shorter than what I have been doing but still very hard. That fast work did a number on me BUT I think I'm gonna be ready for this 5K thing.

OK - Stop reading here if you are faint of heart or do not like the F word...This was a Craigs List post out of Chicago. My husband cried when he read this he was laughing so hard. I'm sure there's lots of people out there that are starting to feel this way. Another friend of mine lost their job yesterday...

What the f^ck people! I need a motherf^ckin job, and I have a resume that says I am f^cking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE F^CK?!

Cover Letter? Here's my f^cking cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a d!ck if I have to...that's right! Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that motherf^cker and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! F^CK NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? F^CK IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I needa motherf^ckin job! Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll f^cking show you!

I need a motherf^ckin job.

-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times.
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loansharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing inlakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage,creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet (I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.

Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises

So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.


Steve Madonna


Chloe said...

Thanks for the truly inspirational post. I can now offically pull out my 'real' resume in hope for a new job. I was alway afraid to talk about my powers - but now I am not afraid. Want to draft off of me? I think not! I will break your bike in half with the power of my mind. :) That resume was awesome! I LOVE 'the best of craigs list' - I could read it forever!

I MISSED THE FREAKING BIGGEST LOSER LAST NIGHT! I guess I could hulu it or something? Ugh. So frustrating.

At least you change the function on your Garmin. I just keep it on the run mode and hope that I push the right buttons! But it's good to hear that your running is going well!

Melanie said...

LMAO, thanks for the early morning core workout from laughing! Wow. Great job on the running, and sounds like you're making some progress with Garmin :)

kristen said...

That shit is funny! I wonder if he will actually get a job with some crack whore company.

I like your swim workout. I just wish I could butterfly (or at least bfy kick). Maybe I'll try it - only cut it down by about 700m. What is DPS?

untpawgal02 said...

Is it ok that I was laughing the whole time reading your post? Oh and I know how you feel about the job thing... we should seriously compare notes :)

Dave said...

Congrats on some good running. Can you help me with my swim. I would love to race an Ironman...but the there is that swim thing...when I was 16, darn near took an hour to swim a mile...

TRI-james said...

Wow - your easy swim workouts are my hard swim workouts!

Marcy said...

I *heart* for the first paragraph alone. That's the only way to roll ;-) You want running tips? Not getting them from me. And if I give them you probably don't want to take em LOL. You want to know how I took a dump on a dead end street while on a long run? That, I will be more than happy to tell you.

Add me to the crying list. That shiz was waaaaaayyyy too funny. I'm totally mailing it to the Mr. He likes that stuff too. Ohhhhh man that's hilarious.

Marcy said...

Sorry I meant to say "I *heart* YOU"

Diana said...

"Reverse butt sex"! LMAO! I wonder if I can use my snatch workout the same way!
Funny as shit post!

Runner Leana said...

That looks like a great swim workout! Congrats on the run as well! That letter was funny... I'm trying not to picture reverse butt sex...

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Tell me more about this reverse butt sex. Not for me ... it's for a friend ...

Plus, "Garmintard"? Really, sister? Is that kind of language absolutely necessary? I was totally stoked for some reverse butt sex when I got here, now ... I'm not even interested in regular butt sex because of your language.

Thanks. Thanks a LOT.

I actually thought I was the only person who scared people away from his blog. I have also had my comments removed from others' blogs, so I'm STILL more offensive than YOU!


Wes said...

ROFL... I feel for my people...

Carly said...

I would be offending if you didn't use mofoing adult language.

I am a major garmintard and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. That thing pisses me off more than it helps....but at least I look cool. Ha!

The resume had me on the floor laughing. I should print it out for my hubby to copy and send out.

IronBob (spawning?? at IMAZ 08) said...

When you retire from your professional IM, mega distance swimming, and vegy eating careers I think you need to become a writer for SNL...

Ron said...

Oh the poor, poor, offended previous reader. You give tips on running, eating, drinking, and life in general. Those run times are good, and if I had a company I'd hire that guy. Funny, keep it up.

Jo Lynn said...

Hey Missy - in response to what you wrote on my blog: it is one of the top 10 companies to work for in the top 100! I absolutely love working there. ;)

MJ said...

Did you invent the word Garmintard? It's brilliant. I've been needing a good word to describe my condition as it relates to my garmin 305. I thought about buying the 405 but it seems a bit like failing 10th grade and deciding to just enroll in college.

I hate waiting for the goddam satellites to lock on....

That letter is priceless.


joyRuN said...

Geez. I came over from your comment at runforwine thinking I could learn how to glide my DPS down from 26. I got a whole lot of hilarious instead!

Ah, who needs efficient swimming anyway?

SteveYEAH said...


IronMissy - it's official!

IronMissy - it's official!
A vision in green!