Monday, February 2, 2009

Funny Mom Stories for Monday

Conversation with Mom after diagnosis but before treatment plans were discussed...she assumed chemo was imminent (it wasn't). Disclaimer for anyone that doesn't mom was the funniest person I've ever known. She would tell you these things if she were here. I'm not divulging any deep, dark secrets or anything. She was hilarious....

I don't want to lose my hair.
I'll go with you and we'll get you a wig in every color.
Yeah, I've never been a red head, that could be fun.
Yeah and a blond one too.
And I might even get skinny enough to pull off a long blond one (figuring that chemo would tear her down pretty good).
I don't want to feel sick and nasty all the time.
Mom, they've come along way since Gram went through it.
I know but I'm scared - I don't want to be throwing up all the time.
They have drugs to help with that.
I don't want any more drugs to help with that.
Well, maybe we can get you some stuff to help with that, it might not be as bad as what the docs give you.
Yeah, well I can't even smoke a cigarette...I tried once and only once...a cigarette that is.
Really, 60's, 70's, you only ever smoked a cigarette once?
Yeah, well, I was in college and all the girls were hanging out in the dorm room getting ready to go out. We're just running around with curlers in our hair in just our underwear getting ready to go out. The girls started smoking and they looked so cool and sophisticated. They gave me one, lit it, I inhaled, started coughing, I dropped it.
You dropped it?
Yes, dropped it right on my....crotch (she had a way with words, not her hoohoo or anything her crotch).
You what?
Yes, burned the shit out myself and it lit thee hair on fire. (I'm rolling.) The next day, there were 'mug pictures' of me all over the dorm that said Jacques for Fire Marshall (her maiden name). I never smoked again.
(I think I'm crying at this point.) OK, OK, we won't make you smoke anything...wouldn't want you to light your bush on fire again (laughter all around). Well, ma, I'm sure we could come up with another way, we won't make you smoke it.
OK but I'm scared.
Me too mom.

She never had chemo. It wasn't the right protocol for her. They didn't know what their protocol was so we just tried 'stuff.'


Marcy said...

OMFG!!!! HAHHAHAAAAA I have NEVER talked "down there" with my Mom. I would DIE! (she's too uptight.) Man, you're Mom sounds like she was the shiz! I hope I have those kinda on convos with my kids HAHA!

Wes said...

Now that would have been worth seeing... all the girls running around in their underwear, I mean, not the brush fire :-)

Diana said...

2 words: Mom's rule!
I just had a conversation with my mother-in-law in regards to our mammograms and how pulling those damn "nipple" band-aids off after wards sucks!

Janice {Run Far} said...

Wow, your mom sounds like she was pretty dag-gum-awesome.

Steve Stenzel said...

Oh no! Your mom lit her pubes on fire! Priceless!!!

Some of the writing (the losing weight and hair-loss parts) reminded me of when my grandpa was fighting cancer. Those were tough times...

Melanie said...

gives new meaning to bush fire for sure! LOL You mom sounds like she was awesome... i also hope to have a great relationship with my son like that he gets older :)

Shannon said...


My bush is on fire as a whole new meaning now. LOL

Jo Lynn said...

First I laughed (out loud), then I teared up. Thanks for sharing.

JoyJoy said...

Thats great your mom was REAL with you ...i think my mom is like Marcy's too uptight or just afraid to show that she isn't perfect and has real feelings and issues. Its like she thinks people can't tell things are wrong...we all things to deal with and nothing is ever perfect that is life and what makes it life and sharing it.

Runner Leana said...

Your mom sounds like such a hoot! I can't imagine that my mom would ever share a story with me about lighting her bush on fire... But you never know..! Thanks for sharing your mom story.

Dave said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chloe said...

Haha! That is so funny. I like the way your mom calles her vajaja her 'crotch'. Just cracks me up. Kind of like a kid saying she's going to kick a monsters ass. What a great memory :)

KK said...

Loved this one. What a perfect tribute to your mom. And the term "bush" makes me giggle. SICK.

Estetik said...

See what other people think about this, Dave Dragon...

IronMissy - it's official!

IronMissy - it's official!
A vision in green!