Saturday, October 4, 2008

Death of a Bicycle

A friend of mine (Rebecca) asked me the other day - have you ever had visions of 'killing your bike' ... like lifting it over your head like superman and throwing it as far and as hard as you can? AT THE TIME, my answer was no but I did want to jump in front of a car the other nite at the end of my long run. Oh, how one long ride can change everything.

A time trial bike is meant for one thing, go fast in a straight, flat line. I was sick of all my usual long ride routes and was ready to try something new before I totally freaked out on the same old farmers at the stores I stop in to get water - yeah, I get it, I'm crazy and I just love to parade around in front of your tobacco spitting friends in spandex. So, I ventured was a cool 43 degrees at the start but guaranteed to warm up quickly. I planned an hour out/back to drop all the gear and then finish up the remaining four hours. I was on the Natchez Trace. I've lived here long enough to know, IT'S NOT FLAT OR STRAIGHT THERE but I went to an area that was FLAT-er. Kinda. Suffice it to say, I was cussin' - a lot. Since the route was out and back, for every glorious 40 mph downhill I just knew I had to climb back up and that sucked. No two ways about it.

As I was running out of water on the out, I hit a campsite. Figuring that certainly a campsite would have delicious, cold running water, I went in to hit the bathroom. After filling my bottles and taking a HUGE swig from the water fountain, I spewed it like whale...holy crap, what IS this? This isn't even well water...I can deal with that. This tastes like paint thinner, honestly and truly it tastes like paint thinner. After 10 miles on the return, I just stopped drinking it for fear that it was paint thinner or lighter fluid and I was most certainly going to combust or barf. This did not bode well for the remainder of the hilly ride back to the car. I got back with some kind of killer average going wayyyy longer than I had hoped and totally axed the three mile run. My everything was dry and I was slightly dehydrated on the inside. Until, I saw it, the beacon, the light at the end of the tunnel, I swear I heard angels sing and the clouds parted and there it car. In my car, cold water (fresh, not the paint thinner variety) and a coke. I hammered both, felt like a million bucks and got the f out of there. I swear, I DID want to kill my bike today.

So, I waited to kill it when I got home instead, yep, I had a ceremonial killing of my bike!

So, Rebecca, yes, I DO know what you're talking about and I'm sure my bike and I will reconcile shortly. For now, my ass is chapped (literally) and I feel like a permanent speculum has been jammed in me, my neck is on fi-rah and my legs are full of junk. It's too late for a nap and too early for bed, so we drink beer instead...and tomorrow we swim. For the love of Pete....

Nice face for girl sitting there will her kill after the hunt...nice! I was over this bike!


TJ said...

"so we drink beer instead..."
makes everything better, doesn't it? :)

Trigirlorlando said...

ROFLMAO!! Oh my god!!! I have never laughed so hard!! Great post!! Although I have the same sentiments of concerning my bike, I went upstairs and patted her seat. She has to take me 112 miles in a couple weeks and I don't want to start that road trip on a bad note :)

Lana said...

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've felt that way about my bike quite a bit lately. I even gave it the silent treatment after it sent me skidding down the side of the highway when the chain popped off at 24mph - I wouldn't even look at it for over a week.

Iain said...

Damn that bike's sweet.

Don't kill it, just disown it. I'll send you my address ;).

IronMissy - it's official!

IronMissy - it's official!
A vision in green!